Um, Maybe . . . Kinda . . . I Dunno: Or, Ambiguity

The Time Has Come to View Ignorance as Regular Rather than Deviant

Quotes from books and recent articles on a related topic, plus a few random ones that recently intrigued me

You won’t understand life and death until you’re ready to set aside any hope of understanding life and death and just live your life until you die.

― Brad Warner, Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate

The Bad Things That Happen When People Can’t Deal With Ambiguous Situations

"We’re programmed to get rid of ambiguity, and yet if we engage with it we can make better decisions, we can be more creative, and we can even be a little more empathetic,” Holmes told Science of Us. . . .

But it’s the other side of the ledger that feels a bit more urgent: history, recent and otherwise, is replete with examples of catastrophic blunders made as a result of leaders’ inability to deal with ambiguity. As Holmes explains in Nonsense, it’s when we’re stressed out — and particularly when we’re faced with what we feel are existential threats — that our resistance to ambiguity grows strongest. . . .

It’s one thing to identify the problems posed by humanity’s distaste for ambiguity, Holmes writes in Nonsense, but it’s another to actually overcome these hurdles. At the organization level, there are some (in theory) simple fixes. “Beyond hiring more people like Noesner,” writes Holmes, “organizations can … also create a culture that respects ambiguity” by, among other things, “underscor[ing] the consequences of bad decisions” and, in times of crisis, making sure everyone envisions a wide range of responses and outcomes rather than quickly narrowing the scope of discussion. What all these recommendations have in common is that they will help prevent the sort of black-or-white thinking that so often leads to bad decisions, particularly during periods of heightened fear or more general emotional arousal.

Nudging people away from poor, need-for-closure-driven decisions at the individual level is tougher, but Holmes had some some suggestions there as well. One is to simply be deliberate in your decision-making, not just writing down, say, pros and cons, but listing as many potential consequences of different decisions as possible. It’s also important to realize that your need for closure can vary depending on the circumstances at the time. “You can kind of have a rough self-check — what is my need for closure today, this week? Have I been under a lot of pressure? Is there a lot of uncertainty in my life?”

Finally, there are a couple of broader options for people who want to better handle ambiguity, although Holmes admits they’re a bit less practical. One is to simply read fiction: “Reading fiction has been shown to lower people’s need for closure. I think that’s partially because it’s safe, and you go into this other world, and it’s kind of broadening our categories because we’re thinking about how other people make decisions.” And the other is “positive multicultural experiences,” which appear to have the effect of lowering need for closure for similar reasons.

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There is nothing more terrifying than the absoluteness of one who believes he's right.

― Libba Bray, The Diviners

The Case for Teaching Ignorance

Eventually, the American Medical Association funded the class, which students would fondly remember as “Ignorance 101.”

Classes like hers remain rare, but in recent years scholars have made a convincing case that focusing on uncertainty can foster latent curiosity, while emphasizing clarity can convey a warped understanding of knowledge.

In 2006, a Columbia University neuroscientist, Stuart J. Firestein, began teaching a course on scientific ignorance after realizing, to his horror, that many of his students might have believed that we understand nearly everything about the brain. . . .

The study of ignorance — or agnotology, a term popularized by Robert N. Proctor, a historian of science at Stanford — is in its infancy. This emerging field of inquiry is fragmented because of its relative novelty and cross-disciplinary nature (as illustrated by a new book, “Routledge International Handbook of Ignorance Studies”). But giving due emphasis to unknowns, highlighting case studies that illustrate the fertile interplay between questions and answers, and exploring the psychology of ambiguity are essential. Educators should also devote time to the relationship between ignorance and creativity and the strategic manufacturing of uncertainty.

The time has come to “view ignorance as ‘regular’ rather than deviant,” the sociologists Matthias Gross and Linsey McGoey have boldly argued. Our students will be more curious — and more intelligently so — if, in addition to facts, they were equipped with theories of ignorance as well as theories of knowledge.

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The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from "I understand" to "Help me understand." Everything else follows from that. . . .

Remind yourself that if you think you already understand how someone feels or what they are trying to say, it is a delusion. Remember a time when you were sure you were right and then discovered one little fact that changed everything. There is always more to learn.

― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

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How to Spark Curiosity in Children Through Embracing Uncertainty

 . . . If students can be made to feel comfortable with uncertainty — if they’re learning in an environment where ambiguity is welcome and they are encouraged to question facts — then they are more apt to be curious and innovative in their thinking.

Approaching knowledge this way is difficult for students and teachers, however, because ambiguity spurs unpleasant feelings. Indeed, studies show that the typical response to uncertainty is a rush for resolution, often prematurely, and heightened emotions.

“Our minds crave closure, but when we latch onto it prematurely we miss beautiful and important moments along the way,” Holmes said, including the opportunity to explore new ideas or consider novel interpretations. And teachers have additional challenges in presenting facts as fluid: appearing less than certain about their field of expertise can feel risky in a classroom of merciless teenagers.

But teachers who hope to inspire curiosity in their students, and to encourage tolerance for ambiguity, can take steps to introduce uncertainty into the classroom. Holmes offers several recommendations. . . .

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[He] had the soul of a poet, and because of this, he liked very much to consider questions that had no answers.

― Kate DiCamillo, The Magician's Elephant

So Tired of Being Called "Negative"

For the past few years I've had a fascinating and fun journey working my way through a good collection of titles about how thinking works; more specifically, about how thinking doesn't work the way we think it works. That we are constantly lying to, misleading, and deluding ourselves. That our knowledge, perceptions, beliefs, memories, and actions aren't nearly as rational and reasonable as we like to think. That many of our decisions, both the little, daily ones and the big, life-changing ones aren't as sound and carefully reasoned as we believe. . . .

While there have been times the reading has left me feeling cynical and dispirited--that there is no point trying to communicate or connect with others since their assumptions and biases will confound my efforts anyway--for the most part it has been a helpful, healthy process of improving my self-awareness and interpersonal/emotional intelligence. They've made me a better listener, less sure of my own strident opinions in discussions and more likely to assume a generous "AND" stance instead of a combative "EITHER-OR" one.

Something they all have in common, for the most part, is that they spend the bulk of their time sharing the findings of recent research and studies in order to dispel our common-sense assumptions . . .

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It disturbed me that he saw things in such black-and-white tones. I sure didn't. For me, the world was a confusion of color.

― Dia Reeves, Bleeding Violet

INTJ Personal Growth

People with the INTJ personality type are serious, analytical and perfectionistic. They look at a problem or idea from multiple perspectives and systematically analyze it with objective logic, discarding things that turn out to be problematic, and evolving their own understanding of something when new information turns out to be useful. There is no other personality type who does this as naturally as the INTJ. They are natural scientists and mathematicians. Once given an idea, they are driven to understand it as thoroughly as possible. They usually have very high standards for their own understanding and accomplishments, and generally will only value and consider other individuals who have shown that they meet or surpass the INTJ's own understanding on a given issue. INTJs value clarity and conciseness, and have little esteem for behaviors and attitudes that are purely social. Social "niceties" often seem unnecessary and perhaps even ungenuine to the INTJ, who is always seeking to improve their substantive understanding. INTJ's highly value social interaction that is centered around the meaningful exchange of ideas, but they usually dismiss the importance of being friendly or likeable in other social contexts, and they are likely to be uncomfortable with interactions that are primarily emotional, rather than logical. INTJs value structure, order, knowledge, competence, and logic. Above all, they value their own ideas and intuitions about the world. An INTJ's feeling of success depends primarily upon their own level of understanding and accomplishment, but also depends upon the level of structure in their life, and their ability to respect the intelligence and competence of those who share their life. . . .

To grow as an individual, the INTJ needs to focus on applying their judgment to things only after they have gone through their intuition. In other words, the INTJ needs to consciously try not to use their judgment to dismiss ideas prematurely. Rather, they should use their judgment against their own ideas. One cannot effectively judge something that they don't understand. The INTJ needs to take things entirely into their intuition in order to understand them. It may be neccesary to give your intuition enough time to work through the new information so that it can rebuild its global framework of understanding. INTJs need to focus on using their judgment not to dismiss ideas, but rather to support their intuitive framework.

An INTJ who is concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to the subject of their judgments, and their motivation for making judgments. Are they judging something external to themself, or are they judging something that they have sifted through their intuition? Is the motivation for judging something to be able to understand its usefulness in the world, or to dismiss it? Too often, an INTJ will judge something without properly understanding it, and with the intention of dismissing it. Seek first to understand, then to judge. . . .

Some INTJs have difficulty fitting into our society. Their problems are generally associated with not knowing (or caring) how they come across to others, with having unreasonable expectations for others' behaviors, and with not putting forth effort to meet others' emotional needs. These issues stem primarily from the common INTJ habit of using Extraverted Thinking to find fault externally, rather than internally, and therefore diminish the importance of the external world, and increase the importance of the INTJ's own internal world. INTJs who recognize that their knowledge and understanding (and therefore general happiness and feeling of success) can be enriched by the synergy of other people's knowledge and understanding will find that they can be committed to their rich internal worlds and still have satisfying relationships with others. In order to accomplish this, the INTJ needs to recognize the importance of extraversion, and develop their highest extraverted function, Extraverted Thinking.

An INTJ who uses Extraverted Thinking to find fault externally rather than internally may become so strongly opinionated that they form rigid and unreasonable expectations for others. Their hyper-vigilant judgments about the rationality and competence of others may be a very effective way of keeping themselves at an emotional distance from others. This will preserve the sanctity of the INTJ's inner world of ideas, but will reduce a lot of valuable input, arrest the development of their social character, and stagnate the development of the INTJ's rich structural framework of understanding. In extreme cases, the INTJ may find himself or herself quite alone and lonely.

More commonly, an INTJ's interpersonal problems will occur when they express their displeasure to those close to them in very biting and hurtful terms. Everyone needs emotional distance at one time or another, and the INTJ wants more than most types. Perhaps this is why INTJs are famous for their biting sarcasm. An INTJ's internal world is extremely important to them. They may be protecting their internal world by using sarcasm to keep others at an emotional distance, or they may be sarcastic with others because they believe that they have the more evolved and logical understanding of the issue at hand, and seek to cut off the spurious input that they're receiving. This is an important distinction to recognize. An INTJ who is seeking an emotional respite can find ways to be alone that don't require injuring feelings and damaging relationships. When distance is required, the INTJ should just "leave". If an explanation is necessary, an INTJ should use their Extraverted Thinking to explain their need rationally and objectively, rather than using Extraverted Thinking to insult the other person, and therefore prod them into leaving.

"I guess it's just another one of life's little mysteries."

"I'm tired of mysteries."

"Yeah? I think they add a kind of zest to the world. Like salt in a stew."

― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

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Phobias May Be Memories Passed Down in Genes from Ancestors

Memories can be passed down to later generations through genetic switches that allow offspring to inherit the experience of their ancestors, according to new research that may explain how phobias can develop.

Scientists have long assumed that memories and learned experiences built up during a lifetime must be passed on by teaching later generations or through personal experience.

However, new research has shown that it is possible for some information to be inherited biologically through chemical changes that occur in DNA.

Researchers at the Emory University School of Medicine, in Atlanta, found that mice can pass on learned information about traumatic or stressful experiences – in this case a fear of the smell of cherry blossom – to subsequent generations.

The results may help to explain why people suffer from seemingly irrational phobias – it may be based on the inherited experiences of their ancestors. . . .

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I often feel like I want to think something but I can't find the language that coincides with the thoughts, so it remains felt, not thought. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in Swedish without knowing Swedish.

― Peter Cameron, Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You

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The Myth of Welfare’s Corrupting Influence on the Poor

Few ideas are so deeply ingrained in the American popular imagination as the belief that government aid for poor people will just encourage bad behavior. . . .

And yet, to a significant degree, it is wrong. Actual experience, from the richest country in the world to some of the poorest places on the planet, suggests that cash assistance can be of enormous help for the poor. And freeing them from what President Ronald Reagan memorably termed the “spider’s web of dependency” — also known as forcing the poor to swim or sink — is not the cure-all for social ills its supporters claim. . . .

The spread of welfare aversion around the world might be an American confection. “Many governments have economic advisers with degrees from the United States who share the same ideology,” he said. “Ideology is much more pervasive than the facts.”

What is most perplexing is that the United States’ own experience with both welfare and its “reform” does not really support the charges. . . .

People always fear what they don't understand, Evangeline. History proves that.

― Libba Bray, The Diviners

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The Human Brain Reacts to Guns as if They Were Spiders or Snakes

Bushman researches the psychological mechanisms behind gun violence . . .

Over the years, Bushman explains, dozens of studies have confirmed what researchers dub the "weapons effect": People act more aggressively in the presence of a weapon, especially when something angers them. . . .

The overwhelming evidence that exposure to weapons causes physical aggression is worrisome, particularly when you consider that about a third of American homes have guns.

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When you choose one way out of many, all the ways you don't take are snuffed out like candles, as if they'd never existed.

― Philip Pullman, The Amber Spyglass

Maybe it's better not to know some things. Mysteries make us tick more than just about anything else.

― Jason Carter Eaton, The Facttracker

Knowing things is magical, if other people don't know them.

― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

I agree that two times two makes four is an excellent thing; but if we are dispensing praise, then two times two makes five is sometimes a most charming little thing as well.

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from Underground

We always know more than we think we do. The problem is we don't always know what we know.

― Dori Hillestad Butler, The Case of the Mixed-Up Mutts

The ocean was back in the pond, and the only knowledge I was left with, as if I had woken from a dream on a summer's day, was that it had not been long ago since I had known everything.

I looked at Lettie in the moonlight. "Is that how it is for you?" I asked.

"Is what how it is for me?"

"Do you still know everything, all the time?"

She shook her head. She didn't smile. She said, "Be boring, knowing everything. You have to give all that stuff up if you're going to muck about here."

"So you used to know everything?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Everybody did. I told you. It's nothing special, knowing how things work. And you really do have to give it all up if you want to play."

"To play what?"

"This," she said. She waved at the house and the sky and the impossible full moon and the skeins and shawls and clusters of bright stars.

― Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane

We’re humans. We all need to buy into belief systems on complete faith. We all need to feel some form of an “us vs them” mentality. We all want to believe that eternal happiness, salvation, utopia, enlightenment or whatever can be achieved in our lifetime. And we all have this unnerving feeling that everything we love and appreciate will one day collapse and be taken from us. . . .

Enlightenment thinkers such as Locke and Voltaire believed that, as humans, the only way to combat our inherently cultish nature was to exercise our use of reason in wide scale decision-making, and that tolerance, pluralism, and inclusion were inherently better values than the alternatives.

It’s upon these ideas that pretty much the entire modern world was founded and they have survived, despite the fact that they are consistently attacked both from within and without their own societies. . . .

The only real way out of our own self-hatred and self-destructive nature is not declaring how right we are, but rather in accepting how wrong we are. It comes in questioning those base instincts, those knee-jerk judgments. It comes in the courage to question our most closely-held beliefs and fight against the tyranny of our own certainty.

And paradoxically, it’s out of this new uncertainty that the rays of self-acceptance shine through.

―  Mark Manson, The Solution to All of Your Life's Problems

New Myers-Briggs

These images have been making the rounds on my Facebook community the past couple of days.  They do a better job of providing a quick summary than anything else I've seen.  The INTJ really speaks to me.

They come from here, where you can see the other types as well.

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Speaking of the MBTI, I really like the descriptions at Oddly Developed Types.  Here are some excerpts from the INTJ:

INTJ Mastermind

Most type guides only present nice, vague, boring facts...

But they won't tell you that INTJs plan their lives further into the future than any other type.

Or that INTJs have the least satisfying friendships of all types.

Or that INTJs rated "taking classes" as a leisure activity.

Or that INTJs tend to get the best grades of all types. . . .

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A reserved, logical type, INTJs are driven by the need to understand the principles behind the world so that they can apply these principles to their projects, which they pursue with single-minded zeal.  Like all Rationals, INTJs set high standards for themselves.  Achievement is extremely important to them.

The communication style of INTJs is terse and precise--but alas, other types all often too find it complicated and hard to understand.

INTJs spend a lot of time "in their head," thinking of ideas and plans.  This naturally leads to an appearance of absentmindedness.

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The type that liked the item "Taking classes" most was the INTJ.  And not only did they like taking classes the most, but they liked it more than any other type liked any other activity.  INTJs liked taking classes more than ESTPs liked playing sports.  INTJs liked taking classes more than INFJs liked writing (but only just barely).  It would seem that taking classes deserves the status of "passion" for INTJs.  No other type liked any other thing as much.

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INTJs in particular are (much) more likely than any other type to suffer from major depression.

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INTJs tend to expect from their children the same qualities that they themselves exhibit: autonomy, achievement, a willingless to think critically, and perseverance.

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Note that INTJs will remain content followers so long as the leader is the doing a good job (Keirsey, 1998).  But if the leader is a bungler, the INTJ cannot help but try to wrench the wheel from the hands of the incompetent and set the ship back on its proper course.

In fiction as in real life, one will often find an INTJ in charge of a small group.  This group may have any purpose (at the bottom of the page you can find INTJs in charge of a group of boy detectives, a group of Musketeers, a group of vampire hunters, and an entire secret criminal organization) but the INTJ at the helm shares the same confidence, the same probing mind, the same willpower, the same self-discipline, the same calmness, and the same ability to devise startlingly complex, elegant plans that actually work.

INTJs may run into trouble when they decide to ignore the "pointless" social niceties that could in fact secure cooperation from those who could help them. . . . Fortunately, most INTJs realize that concessions to others' needs pay off with tangible benefits.  Being pragmatic realistists, they will indulge those under them with a measure of social consideration.

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Aside from taking classes, a very beloved INTJ pursuit (see School), INTJs enjoy "appreciating art," "Playing with computers or video games," and "Working out/exercising."  They were strongly underrepresented for "Watching TV 3 hrs or more per day."

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For a lot of people, their neutral mood face is a smile, or at the very least, nonthreatening. For a lot of INTJs, it’s the Death Glare. . . .  Instead of exerting the effort to smile or frown, we seem to take the efficient route of doing nothing at all, looking rather unpleasant in the process. The typical INTJ Glare seems to consist of a grim mouth, furrowed brow, and most importantly, a harsh piercing gaze. . . .

Despite its unpleasant appearance, the Death Glare means nothing more than we’re not overwhelmed with emotion. We may look angry, but we probably aren’t. Constantly being asked if we’re upset about something is often perplexing, since we may not even realize we are using a Death Glare. Many times, we’re in a quite good mood, it just doesn’t show.

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A study compared type and argumentativeness.  Not surprisingly, the Rationals occupied the top four slots.  The ENTJs were most argumentative, but the INTJs were second most argumentative (Loffredo & Opt, 2006).  Don't expect to force bad ideas down an INTJ's throat.  To convince an INTJ, you must have logical proofs that are consistent with whatever research is available.

Mirror, Mirror

I know many consider the Myers-Briggs no different than astrology, but I find it absolutely revealing and helpful for self-knowledge. Every INTJ description I read resonates and feels like a true reflection of who I am; I don't feel like I'm reading about a type so much as I'm reading about myself. That includes this bit from Psychology Junkie about How Each Myers-Briggs Type Reacts to Stress (and How to Help!).

INTJ – The Mastermind

What stresses out an INTJ:
– Being in an environment that doesn’t appreciate their skills, visions, or ideas.
– Not enough alone time. Too much extraverting.
– Too much noise or sensory input.
– Working with those they see as lazy, incompetent, or ignorant.
– Having to pay attention to too many details at once.
– Being in unfamiliar environments.
– Having their well-settled plans disrupted.
– Too much focus on the here-and-now.
– Not being able to use their intuition to envision the future.

When in a state of stress, the INTJ can feel an immense amount of pressure – as if everything is on the line. To an INTJ, this often means the ability to produce something significant is somehow stifled. They may find themselves overwhelmed, and thinking about ideas and options that don’t have a productive end. As stress increases, the INTJ can become argumentative and disagreeable. Social interaction becomes increasingly difficult; and they may become preoccupied with obsessive ideas and plans. They may start to spend a massive amount of time fighting horrible thoughts, and feelings of worthlessness. They will ruminate about their mistakes, inadequacies and weaknesses, and stop progress on a project for fear of failure. In a case of chronic stress, the INTJ may fall into the grip of their inferior function; extraverted sensing. When this happens, they may give into self-destructive indulgences, like over-eating, over-exercising, alcoholism, or buying lots of useless items. They may obsessively clean or re-organize files.

How to help an INTJ experiencing stress:
– Give them space, and time alone to process their thoughts and feelings.
– Reduce sensory stimulation like noise, TV, radio, or bright lights.
– Let them express their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Understand that they may be irrational.
– Don’t give them advice. This will only make them feel worse.
– Give them a break from responsibilities.
– Encourage them to get enough sleep at night.
– Help them lighten their schedule, or cancel unnecessary activities.
– After some time of solitude, encourage them to get a change of scenery by going outdoors.

The last couple of sentences of the full paragraph. When I was in college, running cross country and track, I wrote a very personal research-paper-crossed-with-essay on the topic of exercise addiction. When my first marriage was strained and failing, I went from basically out of shape to spending every night becoming one of the better triathletes (considering age and size) in our metro area. Now that I have two little boys and am committed to giving them all of my personal time, with virtually no time for myself or exercise . . . well, let's just say I'm really dreading my annual physical next week because I know it's going to be bad, very, very bad.

I happen to be wearing headphones right now, even though no music or audio is coming through them.

I really miss meditating while getting lost in the woods.

The Facebook status that keeps playing in my head even though I've resisted sharing it: "Why do you hate me so much?"

I'm so, so very tired.

Of INTJ-ness

Perhaps because it’s precisely the kind of activity an INTJ would enjoy, I find it helpful to check back in on my Myers-Briggs (MBTI) type descriptions every so often. Each time I do I make a few more connections and gain a few more insights. This time many of them have been due to my discovery of The Compleat Idiot's Guide to the INTJ. Instead of being written from the more usual clinically neutral perspective, it’s written by proud INTJs themselves. The authors embrace some of what I would consider the more negative tendencies of our type, such as the sarcasm, superiority, and reclusiveness. It may not show, but I’ve always worked on being considerate and humble and giving people the benefit of the doubt out of an awareness of my inclinations.

So while I may not endorse everything at the link, I certainly understand where they’re coming from and claim it as my type. For both the positives and the negatives, they use more descriptive, definitive language than most other sites. For instance, others say something along the lines of INTJs having the most active internal life of any of the types. An example of that would be my recent Calvin & Hobbes post. The Compleat Idiot’s Guide says essentially the same thing, but describes it this way:

We live inside our heads.
We frequently zone out. We get lost in thought and spend much of our time inside our heads. If our immediate reality becomes boring, we will retreat into our minds, and you might have to shout our names repeatedly to get our attention so we will come out again. And no, sorry, but you can’t come into our heads with us. You wouldn’t last five minutes there. You’d be driven insane by the nonstop cacophony of overlapping voices madly free-associating from one idea to the next.

I don’t really feel qualified about the average number of cacophonic voices in other people’s heads to speak to the insanity claim, but I’m good with that description otherwise. I know I’m not the most prolific reader and writer, but I think I share more blog thoughts, book reviews, and Facebook items than most anyone I know, and that’s after my best efforts to contain, condense, filter, and carefully select my thoughts; what comes out is just the tip of the iceberg that forces its way out because I don’t want to overdo it any more than I already do. Some days I do a better job of containment others, but even on my most prolific days you are spared much.

I’m most successful holding back the things described by this:

Sarcasm is a free public service we provide to those within earshot. No need to thank us. We also do irony, hyperbole, word-play and puns, one-liners, quick-witted observations and flippant remarks, and abstract and deep philosophical insights on nonsensical themes. Our sense of humor tends to be dry, warped, and morbid, and not everybody "gets" us.

But, again, not always.

I’ve always worked on being considerate and humble and giving people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes it’s a lot of work and I don’t always succeed. An example of me making an effort to push beyond my natural inclinations is the fact that you’re reading this. Perhaps as a result of our internal focus, INTJs are very private and selective about our friends. Blogging under a pseudonym was a big step for me, but one of my work goals for 2009 was to push myself to be more social and open with my colleagues and I decided a further step to help myself in that direction would be Facebook. There I use my real name and put no limits on my friends, and I’ve created cracks in my secret blog world by sharing some of these posts there.

But I don’t always succeed in reigning in some of my less positive INTJ tendencies, and in visiting these sites I have realized a huge, glaring example. The Compleat Idiot’s Guide also says this: DON’T be repetitive. We have absolutely no patience for that. There’s no need to cover old ground, and we heard you the first time, unless we were zoning out. And if we were zoning out it’s probably because you started repeating yourself. Followed by: DON’T take 100 words to say what could have been said in 10. Content-free speech will cause an INTJ to zone out faster than repeating yourself. I haven’t encountered that in other INTJ descriptions, but reading it was a light bulb moment. Later I found another site that also says (in a very nice, succinct list) of dealing with INTJs: Try not to be repetitive. It annoys them. So if you care to see full INTJ raging annoyance in action, I present you with this.

Getting to Know Me

Recently The Girl In Black took a Star Trek quiz based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). It's been a few years since I've taken it, but the last time I did I scored as an INTJ, same as her, and it still rings true. So here are a selection of in-depth descriptions you can use to get to know me better (follow the links for even more; I've tried to copy less than half of each).

First, the Star Trek one:

. . . You respond best to other people's needs when they tell you about them clearly. You value honesty greatly and you're excellent at employing constructive criticism. You prize people who listen to you and respect your ideals. You are somewhat contemptuous of those who don't pay attention to what you say and extremely contemptuous of those who can't do their jobs well.

Goals
Your primary goal in life is achieving independence and being able to live according to your own standards. Your reward is continual expansion of your competence and knowledge.

Work
You are almost completely project-driven. Though you won't work against your fundamental principles, the current job before you can consume pretty much all other considerations. You will perform all-out for a superior you respect, but you have a sometimes unfortunate tendency to let bosses know when they've lost your admiration, or when you disagree with them. . . .

Relationships
Social skills may be your undoing, especially making small talk at parties or flirting with strangers. You feel everything very deeply, so you've learned to keep what you feel to yourself. This combination can alienate people instantly and even make stubborn suitors give up in frustration. . . .

This one is cool because it presents the type from a first person perspective:

. . . I am naturally organized, structured, and analytical. If a project enters my mind it immediately assumes the form of its pieces, its basic structure, and what order—first, next, last—it will take to get it done. This isn’t something I do, it happens instantaneously without effort. Issues are multifaceted and I try to think from different perspectives, not only my perspectives but others’ too. And I’ve found it’s good to gather as many facts as I can. Sometimes there is a piece that needs to be thrown out, or maybe it’s the seed of another project. . . .

I prefer trying something, then critique after the fact. I will integrate the experience and never make the same mistakes again. . . . I set very high standards for myself, and I believe it is possible to be competent at anything and everything I set my mind to.

I keep myself very private; that’s a part of who I am. I keep people at arm’s length. They have to gain my trust and interest. People are curious about me, I think, but only the brave try to figure me out. I feel very serious, but some I meet I just like a lot, and I can be spontaneously playful. I have a sensitivity to people and can feel warm with them, although many perceive me as intimidating, aloof or annoyed, or incredibly calm and competent about everything. People say I ask them good questions, not to make the decision for them, but to help them think through things. I look for systems that will make things better, and I am very much a person who seeks fairness and equality. People are very important, and I want to help them develop the skills they need to get on in life, whatever that means for each one of them.

There’s always something to occupy my mind or attention. I must be using my mind in a purposefully creative way, pushing the envelope with the most creatively challenging thing I can do, being the originator of a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist yet. It’s a complex world, and I believe we each should develop as complex an inner life as possible with the facility to react or initiate in a wide variety of ways. . . .

. . . if the emotional piece is not well managed in my life, or not compartmentalized, work is very difficult. Chitchat is tedious. I don’t know what to say, and I figure the other person isn’t actually interested in me anyway. . . .

And this one is quite thorough:

. . . To INTJs, authority based on position, rank, title, or publication has absolutely no force. This type is not likely to succumb to the magic of slogans or buzzwords. If an idea or position makes sense to an INTJ, it will be adopted; if it doesn't, it won't, regardless of who took the position or generated the idea. As with the INTP, authority per se does not impress the INTJ. . . .

INTJs do, however, tend to conform to rules, if they are useful, not because they believe in them, or because they make sense, but because of their unique view of reality. They are the supreme pragmatists, who see reality as something which is quite arbitrary and made up. Thus it can be used as a tool - or ignored. Reality is quite malleable and can be changed, conquered, or brought to heel. Reality is a crucible for the refining of ideas, and in this sense, INTJs are the most theoretical of all types. Where an ESTP seed ideas as the pawn of reality, and INTJ sees reality as the pawn of ideas: No idea is too far-fetched to be entertained. INTJs are the natural brainstormers, always open to new concepts and, in fact, aggressively seeking them. . . .

As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. They are the most independent of all types. They will trust thier intuitions about others whem making choices of friends and mates, even in the face of contradictory evidence and pressures applied by others. The emotions of an INTJ are hard to read, and neither male nor female INTJ is apt to express emotional reactions. At times, both will seem cold, reserved, and unresponsive, while in fact INTJs are almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection from those for whom they care. . . .

INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.

Send Love

"But I do want you to know that your actions have an impact on others."

That's in quotes because it's from a message someone wrote to me recently. It was a necessary reminder, because in the midst of months of constant anxiety I'd lost track of it. I like to think I'm reflective and self-aware, but with the worry of isolation and social distancing and the distorted view of social media feeds I've gotten so turned inward that I've lost track of my connections to others. I've been so focused on how others have an impact on me that I've forgotten that I have an impact on them. And I've sent some angry and unproductive messages.

One of the earlier responses I gave in dealing with the fallout:

This week I've been confronted with the fact that I'm not as insignificant as I assume, and it's kind of freaking me out. I never really think about it, but I guess I operate from the framework that people rarely notice me, and when they do they usually dismiss me. I don't imagine they ever think about me when I'm not present, or give what I say much weight. That's why it's so easy for me to be flippant. I unconsciously assume I'm just another bit of content in their feed that they scroll past and forget about. So to find out I have impact comes as a surprise. I'm not quite sure what to do with that information.

It wasn't a true surprise, of course, just felt that way because I'd forgotten. And I've been working on remembering and fully accepting it. A later message:

A week of tumult and a weekend of reflection, and I’ve come to the conclusion that feeling helpless in the face of so much lately has led me to slide into a victim mentality where I’ve been doing a lot of whining instead of finding ways to be productive, useful, and positive. I’m now working on doing better.

And still working on it.

It's easy to feel helpless in the face of circumstances, these large events beyond my control and so much unknown. We're weeks away from the start of school, for instance, and we still don't know if school will be starting. As the spread of the virus has continued to expand, no one has been able to decide if it's safe for students to gather in buildings. Which is the bigger threat: risking exposure and spread or doing remote learning from home with parents unavailable due to work? My wife and I still have no idea how we're going to juggle jobs and kids if they're home this year, even though we agree it's safest. Oh, and, in an escalation of the response to the racial injustice and police brutality demonstrations, the president has started sending out unmarked federal forces to combat protesters and to maintain his version of "law and order." For example. It seems the world is out of control and we're powerless to do anything about it.

Except--and I know it's been said before and can feel trite--we have power over how we react and respond. I do, I have that power. I don't have to be a victim, and I can still choose what to do with my little part of the situation.

And I've decided the heart of my strategy for dealing with everything is to try to remember to always do this: send love.

It's something I've said countless times before, and it's something I've forgotten even more times. It's simple to the point of seeming nothing, yet it can be everything. It seems easy on its face, but can be the hardest thing in the world to put into action.

Send love.

Lots of related thoughts (plus random, unrelated bits) follow.

From my Facebook feed:

Stop. Unclench your jaw. Soften your forehead. Relax your shoulders. Breathe.

So necessary. So helpful. Constantly.

A couple of good reminders from the Myers-Briggs. I've written before, I find it absolutely revealing and helpful for self-knowledge. Every INTJ description I read resonates and feels like a true reflection of who I am; I don't feel like I'm reading about a type so much as I'm reading about myself. From Mirror, Mirror:

When in a state of stress, the INTJ can feel an immense amount of pressure – as if everything is on the line. To an INTJ, this often means the ability to produce something significant is somehow stifled. They may find themselves overwhelmed, and thinking about ideas and options that don’t have a productive end. As stress increases, the INTJ can become argumentative and disagreeable. Social interaction becomes increasingly difficult; and they may become preoccupied with obsessive ideas and plans. They may start to spend a massive amount of time fighting horrible thoughts, and feelings of worthlessness. They will ruminate about their mistakes, inadequacies and weaknesses, and stop progress on a project for fear of failure. In a case of chronic stress, the INTJ may fall into the grip of their inferior function; extraverted sensing. When this happens, they may give into self-destructive indulgences, like over-eating, over-exercising, alcoholism, or buying lots of useless items. They may obsessively clean or re-organize files.

I've also written about self-loathing. Feeling worthless. Not thinking highly enough of yourself to realize others might. It has me thinking again about a favorite book, Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Saenz. I've mentioned it before a number of times. The protagonist is in rehab and despises himself. He's surrounded by people in the same state, and a big part of their treatment is learning how to love themselves. I remember reading it and being struck by a scene in which Zach's self-hate is expressed by his inability to look at himself in the mirror and thinking, I don't like mirrors either; what does that say about me?

I've lived a pretty good life.  Yet something instinctive in me understands these characters.  It's something present in the people I can relate to, all of my close friends, that deep anxiety and insecurity and struggle to feel self-worth.  When I'm getting to know someone who doesn't appear to feel it, I am left with a sense that the person is shallow, less interesting, and not someone I can really identify with. And it's a theme that pops up regularly on this blog.

I was also struck recently by a memory. When I was a young teen deep into fantasy stories and games, wishing desperately I could be part of them, I never wanted to be the king on the throne. I dreamed of being the wizard sitting behind him in the shadows, advising his decisions.

Don't see me.

Of course, being absorbed with not appreciating yourself keeps one from seeing or appreciating others.

Also from a Myers-Briggs description:

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness. 

The deep desire for people to make sense in a time of mounting frustration with nothing making sense. Take that dynamic, the one above, and the constant stress of current circumstances and stir, and I ended up getting myself in trouble.

So

Now, that work on doing better.

It's probably not the best place to start with Pema Chödrön, and I clearly don't have enough background information to make sense of everything in it, but it was her title I could get quickest from my library as an eBook to my phone after I decided reading some of her thoughts might help me: The Compassion Book: Teachings for Awakening the Heart. I've done an initial reading and picked out the following to start working on:

This is instruction for a meditation practice called tonglen. In this practice you send out happiness to others and you take in any suffering that others feel. You take in with a sense of openness and compassion and you send out in the same spirit. People need help, and with this practice we extend ourselves to them.

Whatever pain you feel, take it in, wishing for all beings to be free of it. Whatever pleasure you feel, send it out to others. In this way, our personal problems and delights become a stepping-stone for understanding the suffering and happiness of all beings.

This is advice on how to work with your fellow beings. Everyone is looking for someone to blame and therefore aggression and neurosis keep expanding. Instead, pause and look at what's happening with you. When you hold on so tightly to your view of what they did, you get hooked. Your own self-righteousness causes you to get all worked up and to suffer. So work on cooling that reactivity rather than escalating it. This approach reduces suffering--yours and everyone else's.

Work on reversing your caught-up, self-important attitude and remain relaxed in this process. Instead of always being caught in a prison of self-absorption, look out and express gentleness to all things. Then just relax.

Whatever you are doing, take the attitude of wanting to directly or indirectly benefit others. Take the attitude of wanting it to increase your experience of kinship with your fellow beings.

In this very life do not waste the opportunity to practice the main points:

1. Seeking to help others is more important than only looking out for yourself.
2. Practicing what your teacher has taught you is more important than scholarly study.
3. Awakening compassion (and thus lessening selfishness) is more important that any other spiritual practice.

I'm trying to remember what prompted me to seek out Chödrön. It was an article about dealing with current circumstances, and at the heart of the person's reflection was their use of When Things Fall Apart. I can't remember any more than that, the author or source or even exact topic, only thinking that it might be a good time for me to explore the book as well. And The Compassion Book is her title I could get quickest (others are on the way).

I think this recent read may have been an influence--and should be a companion tool--as well. Dictionary for a Better World: Poems, Quotes, and Anecdotes from A to Z by Irene Latham and Charles Waters (ill. by Mehrdokht Amini). My recent review:

What a wonderful book! 50 alphabetical spread-long entries for words such as Dialogue, Hate, Peace, and Vulnerable, each composed of 5 parts: a short poem, a definition of the poem's form, a related quote from a famous person or book, a paragraph in which one of the two authors discusses what the word means to them, and a "Try It!" prompt to put the idea into action; plus wonderful illustrations and art design. So much variety within the format, of tone, style, and topic. So many layers of ways to encounter the book and consider the topics. I want to buy it for my kids when they are old enough.

A couple of the poems that are especially speaking to me right now:

Intention

My mind is sometimes like a charcoal-infused

silvery cloud weighed down by this

complicated planet around me.

When life overwhelms my spirit, rather

than lashing out, creating a downpour

of fury due to stormy temper tantrums,

I instead take a deep breath, adjust my thinking,

then decide to be gentle, like a drizzle, nurturing

our habitat instead of trying to destroy it.

Each time I give myself a personal

intervention to shift my thoughts

with a positive, clear intention--

sunshine cascades into my world.

Acceptance

I am a word with teeth--

a crocodile

sunning on a muddy bank.

Some fear me;

others misunderstand me.

Yet I do not flounder (as you do)

in that unhappy swamp

between the way things are

and the way I'd like

them to be.

I rest in what is--

   drowsy, still--

belly bulging

as a plover picks bits

of meat from my mouth.

Try it!

Today, make something new. It could be a song or a poem or a drawing or a scarf or a garden or . . . 

I'm also reminded of a favorite quote previously featured in Necessary Evils and Unnecessary Goods

The daisies and buttercups nodded in the breeze, like skinny-necked old ladies listening to dance music.

What if necessary evil had an opposite? This is what it would be. This unnecessary good.

For the first time in days, Mo smiled.

― Tricia Springstubb, What Happened on Fox Street

It seems something similar to the random acts of kindness movement.

Oh, and that bit about sending love. That comes from Ask the Passengers by A.S. King. My review:

A.S. King has this uncanny ability to write characters that are both realistically flawed and believably admirable; and to write about issues that require entire books to capture their complexity while reducing them to simple, insightful common sense wisdom in the process.

She also has a way of making connections between people both magical and tangible. We can all relate to and understand each other, if only we take the time to really do so. Yet doing so can be so hard that accomplishing it can feel like magic.

She makes us believe that love can be passed, received, and felt between dreamers on the ground and passengers in the sky.

"You know, most people don't lie around looking at the sky for hours on end."

"I'm not looking at the sky," I say. "I'm watching the airplanes. . . .

"I sent them my love because I didn't need it here," I say. "Mom never loved me, and Dad was too busy doing other stuff, and you didn't love me because Mom had turned you against me, and then when Dee came along, I knew I couldn't love her even though I love her more than anything. But I knew I wouldn't be allowed. Not by Mom, not by Unity Valley. Not by you. Not by anyone."

"You didn't think you needed love here?"

"Right."

Astrid is struggling with love because everyone insists on giving it careful parameters that narrowly define us against (and generally falling well short of) standards of acceptable, good, and correct. But everyone else's definitions don't work for Astrid, and she refuses to accept their attempts to make her conform to one category or another. She can't. No one gets to define Astrid but Astrid herself. Even if not being defined means no one else in her life will choose to accept her.

Astrid has so much love to give. If only those in her life would become capable of getting over their predefined standards of perfection enough that they could receive--and return--that love.

King writes magic realism, and in this book Astrid's love gets through to the passengers, impacting them in subtle but meaningful ways. She has much bigger and more difficult issues to deal with than I do, has an absence of love in her life that I don't, and yet her strategy of coping seems equally helpful. To find more love in myself, send it to others.

Send love.

not my photo; not my shirt

And sometimes--just sometimes--remember to get out of my head.

Sorcery of Thorns

"She quite happily replied that she had plenty of books to keep her company."

The Director sighed. "Her attachment to the grimoires is . . . "

"Concerning? Yes, indeed. If she does not suffer from the lack of company, I fear it is because she sees grimoires as her friends in place of people."

"A dangerous way of thinking. But libraries are dangerous places. There is no getting around it."

I resemble that remark.

 

One of the days I picked my six-year-old up from camp last week, he climbed into the back of the car but didn't sit down like usual. I didn't even notice at first because we were catching up about his day like we normally do. As we talked, though, I became aware he was standing on the floor of the car right next to my shoulder, squirming around. "Sit down and get your seat belt on so we can get going."

"Just a minute; I have to do something first." More squirming, which I realized a few moments later was digging in his pocket. "I want to show you something."

I turned around and let out a little yell at the lizard in his palm, inches from my face.

"It's okay, it's dead."

"Did you have a dead lizard in your pocket?"

"Yeah, I just told you I found a lizard today."

"But I didn't expect you to pull it out of your pocket. . . . Say, was it alive or dead when you found it?"

"Dead."

"And you decided to put it in your pocket to bring home?"

"Yeah. Well, first I had it in my shoe, then I moved it into my pocket."

"You put it in your shoe at first because you didn't realize your pants had pockets?"

"No, I just thought my shoe was the best place to keep it. But then it started feeling squishy after a while so I decided to move it to my pocket."

Stepping out of shower. "Dad! We think we see a bobcat in the backyard!"

Grabbing a towel to go look. "Is it there now?"

"Yeah!" Screen door slam.

Walk down the hall and look out the window to see two children sprinting across the yard to peer under and around bushes at the fence.

Though there are stealthy and reclusive bobcats in our area, I didn't worry for a second that's what they'd actually seen. I did worry, though, that they did think that's what they were seeing and that's how they reacted. In talking with them after, we established: A) this was definitely a domestic pet, and B) bobcats are most definitely not cute, fuzzy, and friendly, and should never be approached unless they want to be eaten.