I Am the Dream of a Giant Fungus on a Tree

Rapport.

I was just doing a light bit of reading about oppositional defiant disorder. This was prompted by issues with our five-year-old. I have no idea if it is something we actually need to consider, but he's going through something. He's especially volatile and angry lately, and very violent and destructive. Particularly toward authority figures (including us). He was sent home from preschool twice recently, including his very last day, and was just uninvited from his week of day camp with two days remaining. It could be ODD, it could be a reaction to the constant anxiety of the pandemic and lack of normalcy combined with the already frustrating lack of power five-year-olds feel. So now he's one more thing we're worried about on top of everything else in the world.

Maybe we need the help of a naturalist. Consider this beginning from The Well-Dressed Ape, that I shared years ago:

I am one of those people with a reputation for being a "natural" with children. Because I produced none of my own, my friends often make the observation with an air of puzzlement, after I've beguiled their offspring out of a sulk or into a game quieter than hurling pot lids.

The honest explanation has seemed too impolite to share: Of course I'm fluent in child. I've spent my whole life around wild animals. . . .

This is why I don’t find children baffling. They are young animals, unrefined in their instincts and impulses. If an animal is shy, I don’t gaze or grab at it, because those gestures are predatory. Instead, I avert my eyes and display something enticing. To avoid frightening the young human who has approached, it’s essential to project positive feelings. When a horse detects the stiffening of a fearful rider, the horse tenses because it has evolved to respect any indication of danger. Inversely, a fearful horse can be soothed by a rider who is at ease. And so it is with the young human: He monitors other humans for hesitations, signs of doubt, signs of danger. I try not to embody any. Thus, by exploiting an animal’s instincts, it’s possible to manipulate its behavior to suit yourself.

Or maybe we need counter-terrorism experts:

Improve Your Relationships – with Advice from Counter-Terrorism Experts 

“We’d do a day on the best way to extract information from a dangerous prisoner and at the end of it participants would say, ‘This is such useful advice for me as a parent of teenagers.’” . . . 

The killer piece of information in their counter-terrorism arsenal is in the book’s title: rapport. Forming a connection – one built on empathy and where the power balance is shared – is the key to getting not only terrorists to talk, but anyone else, too.

In Hollywood films, interrogation scenes invariably hinge on threats, coercion or tricking a prisoner into giving something away that he or she didn’t intend to. The reality, say the Alisons, is that torture and coercion were brought in by “charlatans and novices” and are “wholly ineffective”. Establishing rapport, by contrast, “is not only the bedrock of successful relationships, but also provides the best path to securing information from difficult people”.

“If someone has information and you want it,” says Laurence, “it’s up to them to decide whether they give it to you or not. They have the power.” This means that the interrogator who is humble, even submissive, who takes a back seat and relinquishes the reins, is far more likely to get people to talk. “The reason some interrogators find that hard comes down to ego,” explains Emily, “but if you’re being strategic and tactical, why should that threaten your ego?”

Time and again, the parallels abound between communicating with terrorists and communicating with teenagers. We’re talking about an individual who doesn’t want to reveal something, who feels there’s an attempt being made to force them to have a discussion they don’t want to have, who believes they’re being coerced into operating to someone else’s agenda rather than their own. Across the table, an interrogator/parent can, if they wish, play the “power” card. At their peril, warns Emily: “You get a teenager who comes in and they’re being demanding, arguing, being sarcastic, and the parent thinks: ‘You’re not the boss here, I’m the boss!’ But you have to ask yourself: is it helpful to knock your kid out of the power seat? What we’re suggesting – what we suggest to the anti-terrorism officer – is that you should think smarter. Don’t be led by your ego, be led by what’s going to work.”

It's amazing how similar the approaches are, regardless of circumstances. It's all about sharing power, making those without feel they have some. I imagine that's a key to all relationships in all settings. It certainly jives with everything I already know and believe.

We're going to start with a play therapist.

In my last post I shared the story of the first time he got sent home. It included a standoff with the teacher as he threatened to throw a walnut at her. The second time, his last day at that school with that teacher, part of the exchange apparently went like this:

"I'm going to tie you up with a rope, throw you out into the hall, and lock the door so you can never come back."

"You would tie me up with a rope?"

"Yeah. I've been planning it. Since last week."

Rapport?

Those who eat authority figures open their hearts to neanderthals

This seems related.

Hard on Systems, Soft on People: Fighting for Social Change as If People Matter

We need to be soft on people because people make mistakes, we hurt each other, we are all works in progress, and each of us is capable of saying or doing the wrong thing at any time — indeed we all have, many times — and so we should essentially extend to others the patience and compassion we would want for ourselves, as growing, changing, and hopefully maturing people. But also, and more importantly, when it comes to the issues we [are] discussing, be soft on people and hard on systems because it is the systems (racism and white supremacy, sexism and patriarchy, classism and capitalism, heterosexism and straight/cisgendered supremacy) that have distorted us, taught us the biases with which we all walk around to one degree or another, and in some ways damaged our ability to see each other as fully and equally human sometimes.

In other words, to go too hard on other people, as *people,* is to often miss the structural and institutional roots of their (and our) own bad behaviors. No one acts or speaks or writes, or anything, in a vacuum. We operate within the context of everything from our upbringing to our education to the media we consume to the peers with whom we associate to whatever happened to us an hour before the dialogue session, which put us in a pissy mood. And because no one knows another person’s damage completely, nor its source — and yet we know, intuitively, that we all have plenty of it — we should probably err on the side of system-based critiques and offer kindness to people whenever possible, knowing that who we all are today owes an awful lot to where we were yesterday, and the day and the month and the year and the decade before that. This is *not* to say that we let people off the hook for injurious behaviors or statements; it is merely to say that we acknowledge that there is, indeed, a hook; and it has a source that did not originate with the person we are placing there.

This maxim, to be soft on people but hard on systems is perhaps, at least in my experience, the most important guidepost any of us can follow when trying to challenge monumental social problems like racism, sexism, heterosexism, classism, religious bigotry, ableism, or any other form of identity-based mistreatment. Among the reasons it’s so important is precisely the fact that it’s so incredibly hard to do, and this I say from personal experience, not just as some abstract observation. . . . 

I have violated the “hard on systems, soft on people” rule so many times I’ve lost count, and even after hearing it spoken into the universe have done so. That’s on me, and I am writing this as much to remind myself of what I know in my heart (and head) to be true, as to convince anyone else of it. But I do hope others can give it some thought and take it in as well. Because I think it can make us all better, and more effective, and even make us healthier if we do so. . . . 

In the end, most folks are good people trying to do the best we can with limited tools and understanding. At some level, we all know that too; we know it about ourselves, and I think most of us know it about others.

And it is certainly excellent advice.

While I don't think this is really related, it's certainly excellent fun.

Water Beetles Can Live on after Being Eaten and Excreted by a Frog

Instead of succumbing to the frog’s digestive juices, an eaten Regimbartia attenuata traverses the amphibian’s throat, swims through the stomach, slides along the intestines and climbs out the frog’s butt, alive and well.

Now you know.

Even when it seems all is lost, when you're swallowed, eaten, and lie helpless in the belly of the beast, there is a way out.

Maybe? Perhaps?

A little bit of self-destruction is probably healthy

Also a fun look at power dynamics is Adam Rex's new picture book, Unstoppable. What starts with a team-up between a jealous crab who wants to fly and an envious bird who wants to pinch quickly descends into a triumph of absurdity, relatable desire for power, and lessons in civics and activism, as to their partnership the two add: a turtle, a bear, the President, and Congress; for that's what it takes to be Unstoppable.

And people say if the night is clear, and your heart is true, you can still see Congresibirdraburtlebear flying over this great land--passing laws and pinching the noses that need to be pinched.

Indeed.

Since I'm doing books, I'll share another I just finished. It has interesting things to say about perspective and interpersonal dynamics. The Last Meeting of the Gorilla Club, by Sara Nickerson.

Do you see the gorilla?

Josh and Lucas's teacher shares a video with the class. They are to watch two teams bounce balls around and keep track of how many passes one of the teams makes. Halfway through, someone in a gorilla suit walks through the scene. Most people don't notice it because they are so focused on the bouncing ball. Josh and Lucas are the only two in their class to see the gorilla.

But they don't tell each other. They've never even spoken to each other. Because they're used to seeing things that no one else does and keeping it secret. Seeing people. Lucas is haunted by the memory of his best friend who died years ago. Josh has always consorted more with his imaginary friends than real people, especially Big Brother, who showed up to comfort him after a traumatic introduction to peers the first day of kindergarten. Lucas is isolated by his grief, Josh by social anxiety.

But Josh is starting over. He literally buried his imaginary friends and left them behind before his family moved across the country for a fresh start. He is committed to only talking to real people at his new school. If only he knew how. And then Big Brother shows up again anyway. And then Lucas can also see the gorilla. And Big Brother. And Josh can see Lucas's best friend.

This is an unusual book for its audience. Not so much for the plot, but for the amount of palpable anxiety readers feel being inside the heads of these two characters. The writing is highly effective at making the experience real. Plus, tension mounts not just about whether Josh will ever actually talk to a real person, but for mysterious--and potentially dangerous--occurrences that can't be shared in a summary. I'll simply say, this "club" is not all fun and games, and the stakes get high. It's a compelling and moving read.

4.5 stars.          

That's when Josh got the feeling that he was watching himself, too, almost like he was a character in a movie. But it wasn't the right kind of movie, and he wondered about that. How do you get to be in the kind of movie you want to be in? Everyone else appeared to be in really awesome movies, full of camaraderie and laughter. Funny moments and ice cream cones. Adventure and suspense. Heroes! How could a person get into one of those?

-----

What if the [emperor's new] clothes really *were* invisible? What if they were spun from the most magical thread in the entire universe? And what if everyone was too stupid to see? Including the stupid little kid who became the hero of the story?

-----

I am the dream of a giant fungus on a tree.

As to the anxiety of the current situation, I'm just finally sharing this, but a long time ago I thought the movie Locke is an apt comparison to this pandemic, sequestered at home and trying to manage work, school, shopping, and everything else remotely without ever seeing anyone or doing anything in person. It's 90 minutes of just Tom Hardy stuck in a car juggling phone calls as everything falls apart without him. From Rotten Tomatoes:

Ivan Locke (Hardy) has worked diligently to craft the life he has envisioned, dedicating himself to the job that he loves and the family he adores. On the eve of the biggest challenge of his career, Ivan receives a phone call that sets in motion a series of events that will unravel his family, job, and soul. All taking place over the course of one absolutely riveting car ride, LOCKE is an exploration of how one decision can lead to the complete collapse of a life. Directed by acclaimed filmmaker Steven Knight and driven by an unforgettable performance by Tom Hardy, LOCKE is a thrillingly unique cinematic experience of a man fighting to salvage all that is important to him.

Feeling stuck and powerless.

Wear a mask or the monsters will eat you.

Face Masks, Donald Trump and His Me-First Philosophy

If 328 million Americans are going to get along, we need some accepted rules of behavior and that’s why we elect people to decide what those rules are going to be. . . . 

A number of politicians . . . say they support wearing a face mask, but don’t think government should require it.

Which is kinda like saying you oppose murder, but don’t see any need for a law making it illegal. . . . 

Letting people do whatever they choose to do is how we got into this mess.

If all of us were really that smart and well intentioned there would be no need for laws prohibiting theft, assault or driving while drunk. We need rules because a lot of people aren’t that smart or well-intentioned and basically don’t give a crap about anyone but themselves. . . . 

[A baseball manager] has to convince a bunch of individual players that the team is more important than they are and the team won’t succeed if the players don’t work together.

 - The individual player might want to swing away, but the team needs him to bunt.

 - The individual player might want to be a starter, but the team needs him to come off the bench as a pinch runner.

 - The individual player might want to be the closer, but the team needs him to pitch middle relief.

The manager needs everybody to buy into the idea that the team comes first. . . . 

Me-first thinkers tend to be short-sighted – what’s good for *me* right now – and one of the dangers of being short-sighted is not looking down the road and seeing the results of their selfish behavior.

And since they don’t think ahead they often want things that are contradictory.

Just wait until conspiracy theorists discover they're part of a conspiracy to use conspiracy theorists to spread disinformation via conspiracy theories.

The Gun Debates Prepared Me for America's COVID-19 Response

As a shooting survivor who works to educate people about gun violence and advocate for gun reform in the United States, I have spent years trying to convince people that it is worth making personal sacrifices for the sake of the collective good. That’s how I knew that if surviving this pandemic was riding on the event that people would willingly choose to give up a small amount of personal freedom to protect someone else, we were already in a losing battle. . . . 

The resistance to wearing masks, the defiance of social gathering limits, the distrust of anyone who asks someone to sacrifice an inch of personal freedom — all of this is a manifestation of how intertwined American Christianity has become with the American ideas of individual freedom and personal liberty.

When I read the word of God, I read Jesus telling us to consider others more important than ourselves. I read his words explaining that to inherit eternal life, we must love and serve our neighbors. I read him telling us that we should attempt to outdo one another in how much we care for each other, that we should do good without expecting anything in return for ourselves, and that the greatest love is laying down our lives for our friends.

I see nothing about the importance of our personal liberties. I see nothing about the importance of individual freedoms. The only freedom I am taught about in the Bible is the freedom we have in Christ, which comes with an instruction that even in our freedom, we are to serve one another in love. We are given this freedom to serve God and serve others, not ourselves.

Our nation’s epidemic of gun violence and the COVID-19 pandemic were preventable crises; we were just too concerned with so-called individual freedoms to prevent them. We can discover a vaccine and we can create new gun laws, but until we confront the worship of self above others, we will always fall into the same pattern. We will always be ready to sacrifice the vulnerable for the sake of our own liberty.

This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but, as we've started saying, it's so very 2020.

You Swine! German Nudist Chases Wild Boar That Stole Laptop

A nudist bather who chased a wild boar near a Berlin lake after it stole his laptop was applauded by onlookers after a successful pursuit.

The photographer who captured the drama said the unidentified nudist was happy for her to share the images, which show him in bare-bottomed pursuit of the boar and her two piglets while fellow bathers look on in amusement.

Follow the link for pictures.

Speaking of systems we need to be hard on . . . 

Americans Grossly Underestimate the Racial Wealth Gap Between Black and White Families — and It's Making It Harder to Achieve Financial Equality

From slaveholders accumulating massive wealth to the decimation of Tulsa's "Black Wall Street" to Jim Crow laws, Black people have been routinely denied the opportunity to create wealth in the same way white people have. And many Americans are still unaware of just how bad it is, ongoing research from Yale University shows. . . . 

The median white family had more than 10 times the wealth of the median Black family in 2016, according to the Fed's 2017 "Survey of Consumer Finances." In other words, for every $100 in wealth held by a white family, a Black family has just $10.

Yet, a series of ongoing studies by the Yale School of Management reveal that Americans are largely unaware of this. Most Americans think that for every $100 in wealth held by a white family, a Black family has $90. . . . 

"Our national survey found that 97% of Americans are overestimating racial equality." . . . 

Americans also believe that the wealth gap is closing, the national survey found. When in fact, it's gotten bigger over time. . . . 

Addressing the wealth gap will be near impossible if Americans continue to deny it exists.

And, as a bonus, the text from another recent book by Adam Rex, Why? It's a dialogue between a little girl and a supervillain who bursts into a shopping mall. It similarly demonstrates Rex's wonderfully skewed perspective and sense of humor. I think he would have good rapport with kids.

"Go ahead and run, puny fools! No on can withstand the power of Doctor X-Ray!"

"Why?"

"Because of my x-ray blaster and because my battle suit is indestructible!"

"Why?"

"It's made of mysterious meteor metal!"

"Why?"

"Because a meteor landed on my carport last year."

"Why?"

"I believe it chose me! Chose to bestow on me unimaginable power!"

"Why?"

"Because it is my destiny to rule the world!"

"Why?"

"Because . . . because the world has been very unfair to me!"

"Why?"

"I want things but I don't always get them."

"Why?"

"I don't know. My dad says I should try harder. But I did try. I put my heart and soul into that yarn store. It just didn't work out."

"Why?"

"I guess people don't knit as much as they used to."

"Why?"

"Exactly? Why? Why?! Knitting is amazing! And soon they'll see just how amazing it is!"

"Why?"

"Because if they don't I'll zap them with my x-ray!"

"Why?"

"Because . . . because none of them understand me! Even my dad doesn't understand me. He wanted me to be a doctor. A real one."

"Why?"

"Because he was a doctor."

"Why?"

"Because his dad was a doctor. And his dad's dad was a doctor. That's how it is in my family."

"Why?"

"Because we all just did what we were told! So now it's my turn to tell people what to do!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to take over the world!"

"Why?"

"Because I deserve it!"

"Why?"

"Well, all right, maybe I don't deserve it but I want it!"

"Why?"

"Because I want it! I want it I want it I want it!"

"Why?"

"Because then maybe my daddy will be proud of me! . . . I'm the bad guy, aren't I. I thought I was the hero."

"Why?"

" . . . Because everyone thinks he's the hero."

"Why?"

"Because . . . because everyone's battling something. Everyone wants to win. And that's what hero stories are about, right? Winning. You gotta have winners and losers."

"Why?"

"Good point."

"Boy, look at me--I don't even rule myself. Thanks kid--you've given me a lot to think about. I could take over the world . . . but why?"