How to Grow Up and Rule the World by Vordak the Incomprehensible

Visual

High-quality henchmen usually come from among the ranks of petty criminals and other riffraff of society. Unlike minions, most henchmen are normal-looking enough to mingle freely within the community, although their black turtlenecks and unshaven faces might look suspicious in most countries other than France.



Quotes

“How about telling us a little bit about yourself?”

Nothing would please me more—not because you requested it, but because I believe there exists no more worthy subject of discussion anywhere in the universe.

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As with anything worth achieving, the road to all-encompassing evil has no shortcuts.

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I typically avoid looking in the mirror for fear I will accidentally intimidate myself.

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As you can see, the words *fair play* are not in my vocabulary. Well, they are in my vocabulary, but only to say that they aren’t.

Review

My evil plan to rule the world includes influencing as many minds as possible by getting them to read the books that I like. So, my minion horde, you must help me find readers for this book. Start with yourself, of course, right away, then recommend it to everyone you see. You might think that freely spreading smiles and laughter is not the mark of evil, but that’s all part of my plan’s ingenious, insidious enticement. By exposing you to this evil guide by Vordak the Incomprehensible, I will both influence your thinking so it is more in line with my own and gain your trust as a source of reliable recommendations. Unless you are an entirely pathetic, ignorant whelp, you will find yourself enlightened and amused by this guide, and I, Malzor the Unmercifully Heartless,* will be one step closer to joining the ranks of Darth Vader, Dr. Evil, MegaMind, Lex Luthor, Magneto, Dr. Horrible, Professor Poopypants, Alfred E. Neuman, and Wimpy Kid. Then it won’t be long until you are holding weekly parades in my honor so that all may bask in the splendor of my magnificent majesty, the magnificence of my majestic splendor, or the majesty or my splendiferous magnificence.

I’ll even, in my magnanimous wisdom, share a free tidbit or two to tempt you:

If there is one thing a Superhero enjoys more than anything about battling a Supervillain, it’s the clever dialogue. Well, he probably enjoys punching the Supervillain repeatedly in the face a bit more, but that’s it . . . aside from trashing the Supervillain’s lair. And maybe beating up his henchmen. But clever dialogue is definitely right up there.

Since you will be facing off against your own arch-nemesis with great frequency, it is important that you learn to hold your own in the verbal arena and not become trapped in his web of clichés. . . .

(From Chapter 3: “SUPERHEROES—Noble Upholders of Justice or Big, Fat, Stupid Jerks?”)

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This chaptabulous chapter’s mind-numbing know-how will have you assembling a first-rate band of bad guys in no time.

[Sidenote: Eleventh Commandment of Incomprehensibility

From time to time it will become necessary to create a powerful new adjective, such as chaptabulous, in order to maintain your air of vocabulatory superiority—particularly when you cannot find your Thesaurus of Evil.]

(From Chapter 5: “Building a Top-Notch EVIL Organization”)

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*My new moniker, established via Vordak the Incomprehensible’s Inconceivably Evil Evil Name Generator (See Chapter 2: “Getting a Jump on Your EVIL Career”)