Through the Prism

After passing through the prism, each refraction contains some pure essence of the light, but only an incomplete part. We will always experience some aspect of reality, of the Truth, but only from our perspectives as they are colored by who and where we are. Others will know a different color and none will see the whole, complete light. These are my musings from my particular refraction.

4.02.2015

When I Get Too Tired


Much life stuff lately.  Good stuff.  But exhausting.  And not for this forum.

I can tell I've been too tired--physically, yes, but also emotionally; not enough introvert alone time to replenish my sweet, sweet energy juices--because it's been hard for me to fully engage my emotions with the characters and books I largely use to recharge.  Even they can drain me and require a bit of distance and detachment.  Much more so with actual people, even as I need and want them.

I decided to take a break from the stories by engaging my analytical side with ideas like those in my last post and this book: This Explains Everything: Deep, Beautiful, and Elegant Theories of How the World Works.  They've been marvelous, but much too fleeting; now I need to find the time to review the book and leave a few more blog posts and dwell in the ideas.  Hopefully soon, but time is hard to come by.

So that helped, but I remain in a constant struggle to find the energy to properly engage life.  Another way I can tell when I'm too tired is my general anxiety grows.  Sometimes--when there is energy to support it--that anxiety can express itself as insecurity.  Right now, though, it's closer to apathy.  Since it's Poetry Month, a couple of song lyrics come to mind to express how my weariness feels.

Detachment and apathy when I can get away with it; when I can't, every interaction leaves me feeling like this:
I saw the darkness in my heart
I saw the signs of my undoing
They had been there from the start
And the darkness still has work to do
And this:
Seeing myself this way
I am a monster I believe
An' seeing is believing
Is there no doubt left?
When I wake up I poison myself
And poison gives no appetite
I sicken myself so much
I sicken myself so

Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me
Whenever I let my guard down, whatever I was ignorin'
Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me
Whatever I have been given, whatever I have been
When I'm tired like this, I'd just rather not engage.

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