The Crisis that Follows

When I was in the midst of my anxiety all I could think about was escape. I’d created a situation for myself I wasn’t handling very well and felt trapped by the decision that put me there. All I could think about was how happy I’d been in comparison as a youth services librarian and how much I wanted to go back to that. Finally I broke down and asked to have that happen. Now that I’ve gotten a better grip on myself there’s that sense of nagging doubt, though. Should I have made myself stick it out? Did I really give it a fair go? I ultimately end up at the same conclusion, that I’ll never really be comfortable as the one in charge and will be happier without that pressure, but the doubt persists. And the sense of failure. I know I made the decision based on what’s best for me and not because I’ve done a bad job, but it does feel like I failed in my attempt at being a manager. So I’m getting what I asked for in my old job, but the thought doesn’t make me as happy as I had expected.

Aside from worries about what I’m leaving, there is now a sense of dissatisfaction with what I’m heading to. I’ve been extremely happy as a youth services librarian and found a lot of meaning in it. But. But it was something I did because it was working for me and never thought about it too hard. I mean, I guess I always assumed that it was something I was doing for a while but would eventually transition to something else. I've never had a master plan for my life or any particular grand ambitions, but I've also always assumed I'll always be facing new challenges. Now I seem to be deciding against advancement within the organization and am looking at the possibility that I'm meant to be a youth services librarian. Always. In my depressed moments I look at that and ask, "So that's it? This is what I'm going to be doing for the next 20-30 years?" It should be a relief to have a clear identity, but instead it just feels depressing. I know I'm not actually stuck, but it makes me feel that way for some reason.