Going Public

I’m sure you friends and regular readers have noticed my lack of blog activity lately. Many of you have even told me so. Some of you are already aware the reason why, but I’m sure others are still wondering. I’m currently dealing with a new and completely unexpected experience: a bit of a nervous breakdown. I’ve remained functional, but just barely at times.

I’m basically a shy introvert, so I knew the decision to become a building manager would stretch my comfort zones. I thought the challenge would be gathering the courage to face my staff and upset patrons. I’ve done OK with that for the most part. Really I’ve done pretty well with the job in general (I’m two months in). From the very start, though, I worried. I felt like I was suddenly responsible for everything that took place in the building and for making sure it was always highly functional. I never made a rational decision to feel that way--I knew, in fact, it was completely irrational of me--but I couldn’t stop the stress. What if someone called in sick? What if patrons got too rowdy? What if an employee became disgruntled? What if, what if, what if? All the time. Constant anxiety. I couldn’t leave work behind at work but instead took it everywhere I went. It impeded on my personal life and took away the pleasure in all the simple things like exercising and blogging.

At first I just assumed it was jitters that came with the newness of the experience and was something I’d adapt to, but instead of fading the feeling worsened. Eventually it grew so that that my palms were constantly sweaty, the pit of nervousness in my stomach kept me from eating, and I could do nothing but sit around in a state of anxiety. It got to the point that I couldn’t even be worried about work because I was too anxious about being anxious--just an ever worsening cycle--until I broke. Even if I could get through the worst of the anxiety, I couldn’t see myself ever enjoying the new job nearly as much as my old one. The old one was still open, so I asked if I could transfer back. That was a week ago.

It’s not going to be an instantaneous fix. They’ve asked me stay in the job until they can hire a replacement, which could be a couple of months. But I now see light at the end of the tunnel, which has allowed me to take some control of the anxiety instead of letting it constantly control me. I’ve also gotten medication from my doctor to help, which I never thought I’d do. Now things are up and down. Right now I’m unmedicated and feel more like myself than I have in a while. But I still get panic attacks and spend hours--like the entire morning today--wallowing in the meaninglessness of life. There is definitely a sense of helplessness and depression that goes along with this.

I’m instinctively a private person and don’t talk about my problems or emotions easily. Going through this has made me withdraw from the friends and support I have. Withdraw from everything voluntary, really (I still haven’t been able to calm down and focus enough to read). Thankfully some of you have pursued me when I didn’t ask for help, which has been a blessing. I’m thinking the rest of you deserve an update and perhaps coming out in the open will help me be more social and make progress on the road to better health.