Maybe I should explain about the whole "Turtlebear" thing. It's a family nickname, apparently going way back. My birth certificate says "Gratuity Tucci," but Mom's called me Turtlebear ever since she learned that "gratuity" didn't mean what she thought it did. My friends call me Tip.

I guess I'm telling you all this as a way of explaining about my mom. When people ask me about her, I say she's very pretty. When they ask if she's smart like me, I say she's very pretty.

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In the opposite arm she cradled Andromeda, who was wearing both her Legolas onesie and her Keebler booties. Which seemed wrong, you know--mixing two different kinds of elves like that. So now I knew Vicki was crazy.

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"I only usually shout at the white people," he said. "Tradition. I've got no beef with you."

"I'm half white," I said, folding my arms.

"Hrrm. Which half?"

I blinked. "Uh . . . dunno. Let's say it's from the waist down."

Chief Shouting Bear nodded. "Deal. I only hate your legs."