Beholders Are Extremely Xenophobic

A Saturday night conversation from Facebook

Status:

Seen on a shirt: All monsters are human.

Comments:

M: That's just not true. Like, at all. Have they seen Godzilla? 100% not human.

Z: And some humans are monsters.

Degolar: https://drnorth.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/haruo-nakajima-in-the-godzilla-gojira-costume.jpg?w=584

R: M, Godzilla is just a giant mutant lizard thing. The only monsters there are the humans.

M: He's like 3 of the 5 here. http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/monster
monster - definition of monster in English from the Oxford dictionary
1. A large, ugly, and frightening imaginary creature . . . 

R: I concede the technicality.

M: And that's just one example, though. Are humans also energy drinks? I guess I don't know the ingredients, so it is possible.

Degolar: All energy drinks are human.

Degolar: "An imaginary creature that is typically large, ugly, and frightening."
If imaginary, monsters are imagined by humans, thus making them extensions of humans, thus making them human.

M: Now, what we could argue is that the word "monster" is a human creation, and therefore all monsters are at least the result of humans.

Also, Degolar should get a ton of credit for his person in a Godzilla suit picture.

M: I guess that depends on what makes something human. This being the first link in my Google search... http://www.icr.org/article/what-makes-us-human/
What Makes Us Human? | The Institute for Creation Research
Are humans really biologically and socially different . . .

M: On a related note, I imagine God. I. AM. GOD. So gonna make people do weird stuff.

M: Or, God is me.

Degolar: Bad things that happen as the result of impassive, naturally occurring events generally are not referred to as monsters. Bad things that are anthropomorphized as having motive are generally the result of human activity, whether self- or other-inflicted, internal or external in source.

Degolar: Sometimes God is monstrous.

M: Hm, I dunno. While generally true, some natural disasters are referred to as monsters.

Degolar: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/246304414
a review of A Monster Calls
And what are our real monsters but fear, pain, anger, guilt, regret. Grief. This book has real monsters. And . . .

Degolar: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1136494-rafael-yeah-do-we-all-have-monsters-yes-why-does
a quote by Benjamin Alire Sáenz
Rafael?””Yeah?”„Do we all have monsters?”„Yes.”„Why does God give us so many monsters?”„You want to know my theory?”„Sure.”„I think it’s other people who give us monsters. Maybe God doesn’t have anything to do with it.”

Degolar: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1124677-one-of-my-roommates-rafael-he-s-an-expert-on-monsters
a quote by Benjamin Alire Sáenz
“One of my roommates, Rafael, he's an expert on monsters. Not that he talks about them. I can just tell. People who have monsters recognize each other. They know each other without even saying a word.”

M: There are several implications here that I don't know if I'm prepared to accept. For one, we're implying that humans are the only creatures capable perceiving something as monstrous. To a small fish, are not ducks monsters? And, therefore, aren't all small fish ducks? This also assumes that monster is always bad. How does the Monster Mash fit in to that?

M: "People who have monsters recognize each other. They know each other without even saying a word." Well yeah because it's hard to miss the giant fucking Godzilla you've got following you around. And it's like, hey that lady over there also has a Godzilla, or maybe a Mothra, too. We share a bond.

Degolar: Do fish anthropomorphize . . . er, fishpomorphize . . . you know what I mean?

M: Trout do, for sure, at least. But I think that only matters on certain interpretations of "monster."

M: Wait, did you see the back of that shirt? I'd hate for this existential crisis to be the result of an SAT ad.

Degolar: She was wearing a (an open) sweatshirt over it . . .

M: So we don't know.

Degolar: It wouldn't make for a very good existential debate if we knew.

Degolar: Ichthuspomorphize?

M: That's true.

M: Also, none of you called me on the "An imaginary creature that is typically large, UGLY, and frightening" thing. Jerks.

Degolar: Didn't want to make the obvious joke about your penis . . .

M: I tell you what, Ichthuspomorphize would make a great t-shirt slogan.

M: I meant in the context of Godzilla, specifically, because Godzilla is awesome looking.

Degolar: http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs51/f/2009/288/5/1/Lady_Beholder_by_TheDjib.jpg

Degolar: (In case needed by anyone following: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beholder_%28Dungeons_%26_Dragons%29)
Beholder (Dungeons & Dragons) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The beholder is a fictional monster in the Dungeons & Dragons fantasy role-playing game. Its appearance is that of a floating orb of flesh with a large mouth, single central eye, and many smaller eyestalks on top with deadly magical powers. . . .

M: Man, it's like, beauty, man, is like, IN the eye of the beholder, man.

Degolar: (What are the chances anyone but us will bother reading all of this?)

M: We can hope.

Degolar: This from the link seems highly relevant: "Beholders are extremely xenophobic."

M: Interesting...

E: Sadly, I read it all.

E: Sweet Jesus, I may need a life.

M: I think you mean "Life enriching-ly, I read it all."

E: I'm watching Robocroc on SyFy right now. Is Robocroc a monster?

E: Also, this gives me hope for my screenwriting career.

M: Robocroc is a monster, but is human also Robocroc?

Degolar: When we create AI that then goes on to improve on the process with its own created AI, does that still count as a human creation?

M: Well, do we consider the creator of a process ultimately responsible for everything that results from that creation forever?

Degolar: Waaaiiit . . . you can't have read it all--if you had, you would have found yourself "liking" at least 90% of the comments, which hasn't yet happened . . .

Degolar: Pretty much. I think genetics and pyramid schemes make the case.

E: Well, I didn't follow any of the links.

Degolar: I think I need a link to Robocroc.

M: How does that fit in with the concept of guilt, then? "Don't blame me, ask the single celled organisms who eventually evolved into me why I messed up your bathroom."

M: Or is everything who has ever existed and will ever exist responsible for everything?

Degolar: Original sin. The idea's been there since Adam and Eve.

E: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3188560/
Robocroc (TV Movie 2013)
Directed by Arthur Sinclair. With Corin Nemec, Lisa...

M: Yeah but what about the 4.5 billion years of stuff before we made that up?

M: Also, this proves Bush caused 9/11.

Degolar: There was no anthropomorphizing before we started making stuff up. Thus no monsters, guilt, or sin before humans.

E: I really hope when SyFy starts to produce my schlock scripts, that I get better special effects. I think they did the CGI for Robocroc on a Commodore 64.

M: But the single celled organisms evolved into humans, and are therefore responsible for anthropomorphizing.

E: Also, I demand better looking bad actresses. Just sayin'.

M: You might need to look outside SyFy, then.

Degolar: (Do you realize that some of our most revered thinkers for millennia now conceived that, since sex is inherently sinful, everyone is conceived through sin and corrupt because of that natural process? We are all inherently monstrous due to the nature of our existence.)

E: We have revered the wrong thinkers. What would the writers of Robocroc say about something so silly?

M: Yeah, and that didn't really help set us up for progress and success in those areas.

E: Each of my subsequent comments will include the word "Robocroc."

M: Can we ask them? I bet they aren't busy.

Degolar: His subsequent comments? How do you know they aren't busy--you haven't read them yet?

M: Oh, I've read them.

M: And, as we've established, am responsible for them.

Degolar: You are E's progenitor?

E: I am now amused by the thought of what R's Facebook notifications are going to look like the next time she logs on. I'd love to see her Robocroc, I mean reaction. Damn autocomplete.

M: I am everything's progenitor.

Degolar: Oh, just finally got to the Robocroc link--bonus points for the nanotechnology.

E: "I'm a soldier, there's nothing on this Earth I don't know how to kill, but taking that thing alive?" --Robocroc, 2013

Degolar: So . . . better effects: Godzilla (the original) or Robocroc? Perhaps repetitive--better beauty: Godzilla or Robocroc?

E: Well played Robocroc, the token dude with the bad fake Irish accent totally classed up the film.

E: I'm gonna say original Godzilla.

E: I just want to say that my screenplay "Catfish Frankenstein" was in no way inspired or influenced by Robocroc. And I have a five year old drawing of catfish sperm to prove it. ... ... ... Don't ask.

M: Just catching up on the Robocroc link... Hm, apparently someone was recently working on a porn parody, but they scrapped it when no one could come up with a decent title.

Degolar: G'night, y'all. Some other monsters will have to take up the conversation while I sleep and such.

(Read properly with a bad fake Irish accent.)

E: I'll just sign off with this:

Robocroc!!!

R: I has an impressed. You are all wonderful monsters.