Turning Trolls Into People

The troll decided he would rather have a chat instead, since now his troll heart was beating as warmly and kindly as it ever had, as he sat there with the teeny-tiniest billy goat Gruff.

When troll hearts beat long enough, then trolls become less and less troll-like and more and more like people. Eventually their hearts turn into completely normal human ones. If you absolutely must deal with a troll, it's much better to change it into a person than to crush it to bits, body and bones.

― Maria Parr, Astrid the Unstoppable 

I slightly modified the quote to remove the extraneous bits of the story and focus on the heart of the message, which is, basically, "kindness works." Even in--especially in--complicated, difficult, thorny circumstances. The book tells a good story that demonstrates the philosophy nicely. And it's a philosophy I try to live by.

As I started compiling my recent anecdotes and reading to create this post, I discovered it also seems to be the most synthesizing theme I could find. Not everything that follows fits perfectly, but I think it is the best thought to keep in mind to find a connecting unity.

Most of this content I shared on Facebook first. I'll start with this brief reflection.

We've spent a lot of time and energy on the still-ongoing project of helping our youngest learn to deal with his anger in healthier ways, and it has me thinking about feelings I so often experience as anger. I don't lash out like he does with noise and violence; instead I clamp down on it and become withdrawn and distant, but I find myself feeling anger far too often (though I hope "far too often" is in relation to high standards for amount of acceptable anger). Particularly when it's not really anger at heart--embarrassment, confusion, shame, frustration, powerlessness, and so many other things, my response is to think I'm angry unless I stop myself and really analyze what I'm actually experiencing. I don't have any real conclusion, just the acknowledgment that an instinctive anger so often wrongly dominates what should be other feelings and reactions.

The feeling seemed to resonate with others; with these three commenters, in particular.

Something I learned years ago that I try and dig into when I catch it is that anger is really a secondary emotion. Sometimes I still want to be angry (and am), but that's not actually driving the bus. Feelings are hard, even as adults.

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(mostly, my anger is almost always really fear. i'm like a little barky dog that feels cornered 😅)

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Anger is often how I respond when someone has hurt my feelings.

Anger is complicated.

So is trying to figure out how to turn our two little trolls (8 and 6) into humans.

Like this picture and caption, for instance:

While they may finally be old enough that we can relax on Sunday mornings and let them take care of themselves, doing so means they get to come up with their own interpretations of edicts like "no food on the couch."

And this:

When in the parenting process do you get to stop saying things like, "Take your Lego man out of your soup!"?

After that initial thought, I added two comments:

"I don't care if he's enjoying a nice, hot bath, it's not sanitary."

And: I set the soup onto the table, walked back to the kitchen for another load of food, and found it like that on my return, with no children in sight, so I had to yell my demand in the hopes the guilty party would hear. He fixed it quickly, but then I had him put it back for the picture. This is the dramatic reenactment.

And this:

Somehow, during a quick breakfast, [Older] managed to get mustard in his freshly washed hair (and only right there).

But [Older] did take this picture of a new friend they made during a playdate at a park:

There's no picture (thankfully) for this anecdote:

[Uncle] has been reading The Hobbit to the boys, a chapter every few nights. Tonight, they're on the chapter with the barrel escape.

"What's a water gate?" [Older] asked. We explained the mechanics, portcullis and all.

As he started reading again, [Uncle] interrupted himself for an aside. "When you're older, you'll learn a different definition for Watergate."

"Does it mean 'penis?'" said [Younger].

"Heh. No, definitely not."

"That does make sense, though," said [Older]. "It controls the flow of 'water' . . . "

Ever since I explained not long ago why we were grinning about the name of the "Wiener Kitchen" . . . 

The next two pictures are of something I discovered on a walk in the woods; they have nothing to do with my stories.

The boys have gotten old enough that they can play at the pool without constant parent supervision. Tonight, [Younger] took two breaks to come and find me. The first, he said, "[Older] found a friend and now they aren't including me." An hour later, he asked me to go to the hot tub with him. When we got there, he said, "Finally, I escaped [Older] and his wild gang." The life of the younger brother.

I'm afraid I was guilty of many infractions of Libby's rules that day.

We call [Older] our absent-minded professor because he's almost always focused on one thing or another to the exclusion of everything else.

This morning, [Spouse] strained her back and needed to sleep through the pain with a bit of pharmaceutical assistance. I used my break from work to run over and pick them up from school. As I dropped them at home, I asked them to put away their things and told them about the snack I'd prepared so they wouldn't have to bother their mom.

When I got home 90+ minutes later, they were busy with their Legos, backpacks on the floor in front of the door, food untouched and forgotten, and [Older] still wearing his Covid mask from school.

So many have argued against trying to make kids wear masks because, they say, kids can't handle it. That hasn't been the case with our kids.

Notable: the "stand here" social distancing stickers have disappeared from the floor of our pharmacy. Ghost circles are still left where they were.

Every once in a while, there are signs of humanity thrown into the troll mix.

The boys are playing with LEGO figures. [Younger] really wants the lightsaber that [Older] has, and is trying to find creative solutions that will make them both happy.

His latest effort was to dig through the bin and find a flame sword. He offered it to [Older].

"What do you think? Doesn't that look better than the lightsaber?"

"No . . . but I guess I could live with it."

"I think it looks awesome. I think it looks EPIC."

[Older] was unconvinced.

And the negotiations continue . . .

My molding is beginning to take shape . . .

“If things go badly for me tonight, I want you to stay with Mr. Wynter; he will pay you a decent wage.”

“Will he make me bathe?”

“No, he will debate the matter with you until you decide to wash.”

“Ah. One of those.”

― Eoin Colfer, Airman

Yes, I'm one of those.

This short essay is adapted from a book. I find the thought very intriguing.

We Are Fictional Characters of Our Own Creation

I argue that modern neuroscience, psychology, and AI push us even further: to the conclusion that the stories we tell ourselves about our motives, beliefs, and values are not merely unreliable in their specifics but are fictitious through and through. They are improvisations, created in retrospect by the astonishing story-spinner that is the human mind. . . . the very same story-spinning machinery our brains use to create explanations for the actions of fictional characters are used when we interpret the actions of people around us, and indeed, ourselves. We are, in a very real sense, fictional characters of our own creation.

Consider three strands of evidence. First, the neuroscience. . . . Second, the psychology. . . . Finally, the evidence from artificial intelligence. . . . 

The mind is a spectacularly inventive, if wildly inconsistent, storyteller, generating a continual stream of explanations, speculations, and interpretations, including of our own thoughts and actions. And these stories are so fluent and convincing that we often mistake them for reports from a shadowy inner world. But introspection is not some strange inner perception; it is the human imagination turned upon itself.

Though the reviews of the book I found did not convince me to dig into it further.

A nice counterpoint to that idea is a short story from the book Honeycomb by Joanne Harris, which I recently read. My review:

"Mosaic novel." I've seen that description for this book, and it's perfect. It's a collection of 100 fairy tales and fables. Some are isolated stories that illustrate a facet of life. Some are part of a larger narrative woven through the book. And some provide supplemental backstories to lesser and incidental characters from the larger narrative, in a sense combining each of the other two. I think all of my favorites were isolated fables that served only themselves, but, after a slow start, the larger narrative became increasingly compelling until I was reading for that more than anything. The overall package is quite marvelous.

I selected a few of the stories to preserve and perhaps share later. This my first time doing so. This is a story about a man turning himself into a fictional character of his own creation.

THE EDITOR

There was a man whose life was dull, and who was very lonely. Every day he awoke to the same drab and repetitive routine. He would get out of bed in his dull house, put on one of his dull grey suits, and take the bus through the dull grey streets to his place of work.

The man was an editor of scientific manuals, and he worked in a dull little office, reading other people's writing. Occasionally he would take his pen and change a bad word to a better one. He would work there all day, stopping only once for lunch, where he always had the same rather dull meal--a single cheese sandwich, a cup of tea, an apple, and a piece of cake--then he would take the bus back home, heat up a frozen dinner, and watch dull television shows for exactly three hours before going to bed.

He had a secretary at work, whose life was as dull and lonely as his own, but it never occurred to him to talk to her. Instead, he dreamed of changing his life and leaving town, and falling in love and seeing the world and having wild adventures. But he had no idea where to start. The daily routine was all he knew.

And then one day, he had an idea. "I will correct my life," he said, "just as I correct my work. I will rename everything dull to something far more interesting."

He looked around for something to change. The first thing he saw was his bed.

"What a dull word is bed," he said. "Instead of saying bed, I will henceforth say rocket ship." And he smiled to himself at the thought of sleeping in a rocket ship, and thought how much more exciting it would sound.

The next day, he decided that, instead of "taking the bus to work," he would "take the space shuttle" to "explore an alien planet." It sounded so much better that way that he smiled to himself all day.

The next day, he decided that instead of "editing," he would "fight aliens," and that his "secretary" would henceforth be known (albeit secretly) as a "beautiful alien temptress." Instead of a cheese sandwich, a cup of tea, an apple, and a slice of cake, his lunch would now consist of "roast suckling-pig with truffles, wine, sugar-frosted Muscat grapes, and Queen of Puddings." These were all the man's favourite things (except for the Queen of Puddings, which was a dessert he had always longed to try but had never quite had the courage to make). Eating his lunch now became a totally new experience, and the beautiful alien temptress was surprised to hear him actually humming between mouthfuls of cake.

On the third day, he decided that "watching TV" would hence forth be called "making love." It made things much more exciting.

Time passed. The man was very pleased at all this. His life had changed completely. Every morning he would take the space shuttle to explore an alien planet. He would fight aliens, and sometimes give orders to the alien temptress. He would dine on the most exotic foods. Then he would go home, make love for a few hours, and return to his rocket ship to sleep. It was all very exciting indeed.

"What an adventurous fellow I am!" thought the man. "How others will envy my exciting life!"

And yet, at certain times, alone in his rocket ship at night, he would feel a certain restlessness, a certain darkness of the soul; almost as if, in spite of it all, there might be something still missing.

So. Are attitude and interpretation enough? I generally agree with the philosophy the editor puts into action in the story, but it's complicated.

This is about propaganda, but I suppose it must be true for "self talk" as well.

Why Propaganda Works (The “Illusory Truth Effect”)

The “Illusory Truth Effect” . . . This is a term we use for the finding that when you hear something multiple times, you're more likely to believe that it's true. . . . 

You can think of two main ways that we could determine the truth of the statement. One would be to actually consult our knowledge base — to think about everything else we know about the topic. And the other would just be to use this quick heuristic or "gut level" feeling of “Does this feel true?” And it's that kind of quick "gut level" feeling that's affected by things like repetition. . . . 

We tried some really bizarre, health-related claims that are false, like that women retain DNA from every man they’ve ever slept with. And with those, people were more likely to slow down and consider their existing knowledge. But it’s complicated, and plausibility doesn’t necessarily matter. So crazy statements like the Earth is a perfect square, or smoking prevents lung cancer — we still see some increase in how likely people are to think those are true when they’re repeated. It’s a smaller effect, but it’s still there. . . . 

We all like to believe that this is something that only happens to other people. But, in reality, just given the way our brains work, we're all vulnerable to these effects. . . . 

One idea is what we call a “truth sandwich.” Facts are useful, but not enough to actually fix the issue. You have to address the false information directly. So in a truth sandwich, you start with true information, then discuss the false information and why it’s wrong — and who might have motivation for spreading it — and come back to the true information. It’s especially useful when people are deliberately misinforming the public. So for someone who has a false belief about climate change, if you can pull back the curtain and say, “No, actually this is a narrative that's been pushed by these oil companies with these motivations for having you believe this. Here's why it's wrong and here is what's actually true."

So if you just tell someone that something isn’t true, but don’t replace it with truth, does that not work because it just leaves an information vacuum? Like, you have to be Indiana Jones where he replaces the idol with a bag of sand. . . . 

The line between positive, helpful framing and lying is so very, very thin.

I find this very positive, helpful framing.

To Help Everyone, Help the Most Marginalized First, Says New Congressional Report

Could focusing the government's attention on those who are most marginalized in the U.S. be the best way to help the entire economy for everyone? That's what a new congressional report titled "Black Women Best" aims to prove. The more-than-100-page report suggests turning trickle-down economics on its head and instead giving financial breaks, tax credits and other benefits to those who are struggling the most. . . . 

Black women have been overburdened by the disparities. Black women have been overburdened by the inequities. If we have economic stability, predictability and dependability, if we support child tax credits, if we support additional resources into child care, then everybody benefits. . . . 

We say, well, we've created 6.5 million jobs over the last two years. Our unemployment rate has gone from 9% to 4%. And then you'll see Black women are 25%, and Black men are 23%. . . . 

This is not about giving us any sort of platform that puts us up there above anybody else. What it does is it elevates the lowest among us in terms of those criteria that we think represent stability and security and good health and well-being and provides those platforms for everybody. . . . 

Help the least of these first.

I don't think I've mentioned it yet on this blog, but Russia recently invaded Ukraine and that war is currently dominating headlines. And making everyone worry.

Susan Browne

YOU WONDER IF YOU CAN WRITE SOMETHING

that has hope in it.

Today, you read, there’s a big rush to buy

bomb shelters.

Normal people are buying them,

not just millionaires.

There is some hope in that:

thinking life will go on after.

If you go shopping today

it won’t be for a bomb shelter

but a beautiful anything

you can find: a soft pair of socks,

a necklace that catches the light

although nothing will get your mind off

of the mass grave in Ukraine,

the jaw-bones & eye sockets,

the pregnant women running

from the destroyed maternity hospital.

Your friend said she doesn’t read the news

because what can she do, what can any of us do

to stop the butchers

because we have to be butchers

to stop them, a hopeless logic.

You could put a pear in your pocket

& pretend you have a horse to slowly feed it to.

You could build a ramshackle hut

for the dandelions before the spring wind

blows through.

—from Poets Respond

March 22, 2022

I find this positive, helpful framing.

In an effort to expand myself, I follow a couple of thinkers from the business world. I find some of their topics and much of their framing problematic because they are couched in values I find disagreeable, but I try to find the value I can make sense of. I have one such instance today.

First, for context, a snippet from one of my previous posts:

Cooperation Is Self-Interest

There are different lessons a person can take away from the economic example known as the Prisoner's Dilemma. The traditional rationalist perspective, for instance, is that deciding based on individual self-interest is the best option because it guarantees a better result than not. But that is only the case from an individualistic perspective, where the operating assumption is that everyone will act from purely individual self-interest. What's always seemed the more powerful lesson to me, though, is that the absolute best result can only be achieved when everyone acts cooperatively and puts the group's interests ahead of their individualist inclinations--not only does the group do better, but from a long-term perspective everyone does better as individuals as well.

This presentation style doesn't work for me at all and I find some of his applications of the knowledge unappealing, but I really like his core ideas.

The Multidisciplinary Approach to Thinking

Peter identifies two often overlooked, parabolic “Big Ideas”: 1) Mirrored Reciprocation (go positive and go first) and 2) Compound Interest (being constant). A great “Life Hack” is to simply combine these two into one basic approach to living your life: “Go positive and go first, and be constant in doing it.” . . . 

You may know everything there is to know about your specialty, your silo, your “well,” but how are you going to make any good decisions in life--the complex systems of life, the dynamic system of life--if all you know is one well? . . . 

All you have to do is take that list that’s in Emily’s head, and every single other person in this room, every single other person in the whole world, has this list in their head--trustworthy, principled, courageous, competent, loyal, kind, understanding, forgiving, unselfish--and in every single one of your interactions with others, be the list! . . . 

All you have to do, if you want everything in life from everybody else, is first pay attention; listen to them; show them respect; give them meaning, satisfaction, and fulfillment. Convey to them that they matter to you. And show you love them. But you have to go first. And what are you going to get back? Mirrored reciprocation. . . . 

It’s all mirrored reciprocation. So what do you want to do? You want to go positive, you want to go first. What’s the obstacle? There’s a big obstacle. This is an economics club. Certainly, you have all heard of Daniel Kahneman, Nobel Prize winner in economics. Behavioral economics. And what did he win his Nobel Prize for? For answering the question, why would people not go positive and not go first when there’s a 98 percent chance you’re going to benefit from it, and only a 2 percent chance the person’s going to tell you to screw off and you’re going to feel horrible, lose face, and all the rest of that? And that’s real. That’s why we don’t do it. He said there’s huge asymmetry between the standard human desire for gain and the standard human desire to avoid loss. Which one do you think is more powerful? 98 percent versus 2 percent! . . . 

Bono, he goes, “You know, I know 10 percent of people are going to screw me. That’s okay. If I’m not willing to be vulnerable and expose myself to that 10 percent, I’m going to miss the other 90 percent.”

This is his approach to "getting ahead." It's my approach to helping make the world a better place. Constant, consistent kindness and empathy. I don't always succeed, but that's how I try to live. That's how we turn trolls into people.