National Borders Are Nothing but Graffiti

I always find child logic fascinating. Last week we were transporting a third kid in my car, and [Younger] (age 7) disagreed with me about who should sit where. He said Mom has them do it differently in her car, so that's what he was going to do. (Nevermind that the two cars are different and require different arrangements.)

His logic: Dad asks for a second opinion from Mom before deciding things most of the time, while Mom is much more likely to just decide without consulting. Therefore, Mom is more knowledgeable and trustworthy than dad.

(Which is a skewed perspective, by the way; the consultations go both ways. Though his mom did add this as a comment when I shared on Facebook: "I think to some degree it is true though. I tend to be more likely to make decisive decisions around the boys. Part of that is because I want them to see a balanced relationship where the man isn't in charge, but rather a partnership. Also, we've done a lot of parent training this year and utilizing the techniques for our particular kids means using short, imperative sentences, so I can't really take time to consult.)

What interests me is his conclusion that deciding in isolation is good while seeking input from others is a sign of weakness and inability. I wonder if that's just his own conclusion or that's something instinctive in children that some of us grow out of.

I'm reminded of a post from all the way back in 2011, Contextualizing Politics, in which I quoted this bit from The Well-Dressed Ape by Hannah Holmes:

Humans don't divide neatly into liberals and conservatives, they concluded. Rather, some of us are "contextualists," who tend to be empathetic and tolerant of others, who consider the context before punishing those selfish wolverines, who are suspicious of certainty when they encounter it in others, and who question authority and inequality. Others of us are "absolutists," who prefer a strong group unity with clear leaders, appreciate strict and forceful punishment systems, distrust human nature and outsiders, and are not distressed by inequality. Each of us leans one way or the other, regardless of reason, and these leanings color our behavior.

I went on in that post to share similar thoughts from linguist and political scientist George Lakoff, and I have sporadically shared more recent research in the same vein since (see the book Predisposed in Predisposed to Be Opposed, for instance). As a general rule, conservatives want a strong leader whose authority is never questioned and liberals like someone who consults and considers many perspectives.

So does [Younger]'s observation mean he's young and still learning, that he's instinctively conservative, or both? I wonder.

I'm all about the intellectual humility, on the other hand, which is probably what he notices.

From A Method of Learning, an issue of the Farnam Street blog Brain Food:

“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.” — Epictetus

Humility is the antidote to arrogance. Humility is a recognition that we don’t know, that we were wrong, that we’re not better than anyone else.

Humility is simple to understand but hard to practice.

Humility isn’t a lack of confidence but an earned confidence. The confidence to say that you might not be right, but you’ve done the diligence, and you’ve put in the work.

Humility keeps you wondering what you’re missing or if someone is working harder than you. And yet when pride and arrogance take over, humility flees and so does our ability to learn, adapt, and build lasting relationships with others.

Humility won’t let you take credit for luck. And humility is the voice in your mind that doesn’t let small victories seem larger than they are. Humility is the voice inside your head that says, ‘anyone can do it once, that’s luck. Can you do it consistently?’

More than knowing yourself, humility is accepting yourself.

That just happened to pop up on my feed recently.

Since I'm sharing stories of our children, here are a few others I've posted to Facebook recently:

The boys have been banished to the bedroom for the night so the adults can enjoy the living room. After going in to say goodnight, [Uncle] reported on their current game:

"They're playing sushi kitchen. [Older] is the chef; [Younger] is the fish."

It was a very animated, noisy game, with lots of dialogue. "You can't run away; I already chopped off your legs and head."

And:

Randomly, while getting into the car for school:

[Older]: "Darkness never prevails . . . in children's stories, but this is not a children's story."

[Younger]: " . . . It's your doom story!"

What monsters hath we created?

Though I'm sure much of it is my influence.

Speaking of strength and weakness . . . 

"I hate it when I have such a soft heart."

[Older], because he agreed to let [Younger] see his setup after beating him in a game of Stratego.

Today's finale:

The boys decided after showers last night they wanted to be cavemen, dressing in "rags" instead of their normal clothes. We shut it down because bedtime, but they set their props aside and conspired to wake each other as early as possible to get started. I got up at 6:00 for work to peacefully sip on coffee, quietly waiting for the caffeine to kick in and my sinuses to drain, while they ran, jumped, and pranced around the house yelling "ooga-booga" and hitting things and each other with improvised clubs. That pretty much set the tone for my day, I think.

They often reduce me to ooga-booga.

The comic "Kind" from Lunarbaboon really resonated with me.

A transcript:

"How are you always so happy?"

"Actually I'm pretty miserable most days."

"But you're so nice to everyone!"

"Buddy . . . kindness and happiness are not the same thing."

"So inside you're sad, but you still smile at people and make them feel good."

"Yup!"

"Whoa! That sounds so exhausting."

"It is."

I've lately come across some fascinating reading about the vagal nerve and it's health, known as vagus tone. A reference to this study popped up in my feed last week, which mentions it:

Brief Structured Respiration Practices Enhance Mood and Reduce Physiological Arousal

*Cyclic sighing is most effective at improving mood and reducing respiratory rate*

“Sighing,” characterized by deep breaths followed by extended, relatively longer exhales, has been associated with psychological relief, shifts in autonomic states, and resetting of respiratory rate. . . . 

While both meditative practice and controlled breathwork practices show similar benefits, our data reveal they seem to be largest in cyclic sighing, which differed from the other groups in two main ways: (1) extended exhalation and (2) the double inhale, which increases the depth of inhalation. Cyclic sighing produced the highest daily improvement in positive affect as well as the highest reduction of respiratory rate, both significantly different from mindfulness meditation. The physiological and psychological effects of cyclic sighing appear to last over time. . . . 

What are possible mechanisms through which voluntary breathing can influence physiology and mood differently than mindfulness meditation? One way is through modulating vagal function. . . . Since heart and lung function are closely synchronized and cardiac vagal control has been conceptualized as a marker of emotional control, breath can directly influence the central autonomic network (CAN) and thus can explain the impact of breath on mood and sleep. . . . 

Furthermore, breath can also enhance interoceptive processes. . . . the more aware people are of their internal state, the more prone they can be to negatively interpreting subtle shifts in their physiology toward promoting sympathetic (higher-arousal) states. However, the same increase in interoceptive awareness can also provide a perceptual window into one’s ability to reduce physiological signs of stress, thereby providing a heightened sense of control and ability to regulate stress. . . . 

Controlled breathing can also directly influence the cortical structures regulating emotion and mood and arousal. . . . slowing down the breathing rhythm with sighs can signal higher-order brain structures associated with behavioral arousal and promote a sense of calm. . . . 

Finally, voluntary breathing exercises can also enhance the general sense of control over one’s internal state, contributing to the increase in positive affect observed.

I've been trying to practice (more intentional) deep sighing in response to my cavemen and other stresses ever since.

I don't consider myself a photographer. I've never had any training nor owned a proper camera. I do like to "look," though, and when I see something I enjoy I pull out my phone and snap a picture to further the enjoyment. I enjoy getting out to look and capture images in the winter as much as any season.

For my preschool storytime at the library this week, I read four books about finding joy in the winter. One was A Day So Gray by Marie Lamba, and I think it speaks to some of what I like about the season. The review from School Library Journal describes it nicely.

A bleak winter day becomes warm and cozy when a child learns to look carefully at the world around her. "This day is so gray," remarks a young girl as she prepares to go outside. "No, it isn't!" her companion answers as she points out the "shining blue" and other colors around them. Unimpressed, the first girl considers a brown field "blah" until her friend mentions the "dots of orange" and "sticks of licorice red" there as well. She helps her chum see, not just "boring white" snow, but also the "gems of twinkling silver" within. Their black cat isn't just the bearer of bad luck. She's warm with "soft pads of pink." When they eventually move inside, the once-negative child comes to appreciate the flashes of color in the crackling fire, the different colors in their blanket and warm cocoa, and finally, the lovely "purple and tangerine sunset." The cartoon illustrations depict two youngsters whose facial expressions and body language announce their inner dispositions. One stands, head tilted, hands on hips, foot tapping as she expresses her disappointment with the day. The other stands, arms raised, foot off the ground as she surveys the wonders in their environment. A charming close-up shows the two girls, their heads and backs to readers, cat between them, as all three view the brilliant sunset. VERDICT A good choice for storytimes on cold winter days that will encourage youngsters to see "so much more than gray."

Recent picture sprinkled throughout this post.

I also really like this quote from Billy Connolly that recently came across my feed:

I hate all those weathermen who tell you that rain is bad weather.

There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing,

so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.

I've said something similar myself many times.

Like the person in this meme, I find this fascinating:

Just learned that Dutch scientists left a hamster wheel outside in 2014 and saw that tons of wild mice used it just for fun as well as frogs and slugs? All the creatures of the forest wanted a turn?? Absolutely phenomenal.

I took a look and found this article from Science. It links the original study, which includes the graphic in the meme.

Even in the Wild, Mice Run on Wheels

In 2009, neurophysiologist Johanna Meijer set up an unusual experiment in her backyard. In an ivy-tangled corner of her garden, she and her colleagues at Leiden University in the Netherlands placed a rodent running wheel inside an open cage and trained a motion-detecting infrared camera on the scene. Then they put out a dish of food pellets and chocolate crumbs to attract animals to the wheel and waited.

Wild house mice discovered the food in short order, then scampered into the wheel and started to run. Rats, shrews, and even frogs found their way to the wheel—more than 12,000 animals over 3 years. The creatures seemed to relish the feeling of running without going anywhere. . . . 

The findings suggest that like (some) humans, mice and other animals may simply exercise because they like to. . . . 

The team also set up a second wheel in a nearby nature preserve of grassy dunes and attracted a similar crowd of enthusiasts. The animals kept running even when Meijer removed the food from the garden site, although they came in smaller numbers, she notes. Sometimes the rodents were so eager to run that they couldn't wait to take turns, she says: At one point, a large mouse sent a smaller mouse flying when it climbed on to the wheel and started running in the opposite direction.

Play is universal.

I shared this poem without considering the above, but it seems related.

Glenn McKee

LESTER’S CALLING

In the “Hey, You There!” of the moment

Lester thought it was the Lord calling.

He turned, looked, saw nothing human,

but there sprawled a pig in the gutter

moaning in a language Lester didn’t

understand but could speak if spoken

to by a friendly pig. This one wasn’t

first-order friendly, sick as it looked,

pig-gibberish erupting like weight-

lifter’s grunts from its fat-fortified

throat, nostrils dilated as if searching

for solace in barren underbrush, tail

a twisted story telling nothing except

confusion and spiraling morbidity.

Lester at last broke his verbal silence

with words of assurance directed into

the gutter, their demeanor cloaked in

the modesty of a mare breaking wind

after overindulging in bitter oats. He

then paused at the gate of his mission,

unlatched society’s scruples, finally

kneeling beside the pig suffering deep

in its own solitude and began soothing

the victim’s receding brow with caution.

This action caused the pig to roll over,

not unlike a dog asked to play dead or

a lap cat wanting its stomach rubbed.

Lester promptly responded, providing

solace where the pig indicated its pain

made a home. At that moment Lester’s

life changed for the better even though

he didn’t know it. All Lester knew as

he knelt was his love for this poor pig.

—from Rattle #19, Summer 2003

He unlatched society's scruples, provided solace, and changed for the better.

Although I've passed on to my two boys a penchant for fantasy stories, action, and wild imagination, they still need to be grounded. Lately they've really responded to books like The Year of Billy Miller by Kevin Henkes, about which I wrote:

Simple, honest, real, and relatable. Most books for and about second-graders rely on humor, high-jinks, exaggeration, and caricature at the least, if not fantasy, adventure, or other wild imaginings. This one, though, is just authentic. No melodrama or major life changes, as ordinary life is interesting enough, with all of its small, mundane issues and worries. It's perfectly written, graceful and unadorned. Many young readers will recognize themselves and feel seen. Which is one kind of perfect.

They need to know their are stories about their small, ordinary lives, too.

Speaking of books I've read recently, I pulled this post's title from a quote I like:

National borders were nothing but graffiti. Why did I have to suffer like this because of someone else's graffiti?

It's from The Color of the Sky Is the Shape of the Heart by Chesil. Here's what I had to say about it:

A story about feeling displaced. Well, more than that: about having no place. About knowing there is no place you can go to fit in and find acceptance.

It starts in the U.S. The protagonist is a teenager on the verge of getting expelled from high school due to apathy. Then it moves back in time to the source of her apathy. She came from Japan, where she was part of the Korean diaspora left after the second world war. She was ostracized at Japanese school by peers and teachers for her Korean heritage, then at Korean school for only speaking Japanese and not identifying with that heritage. Ultimately, it was abuse at the hands of adults after threatening international behavior from Kim Jong Il that traumatized her the most. So she's trying to find a way to heal and move on overseas, and having trouble with that.

It's a fascinating and moving story, told with eloquent language. I feel like some essence of it was lost in translation. Not meaning, but culture. Storytelling style and subtle nuance. Some part of it I missed from my Western perspective. Because I appreciate the story, but wasn't moved by it the way I think I should have been--and the way others have been based on its awards. Nevertheless, it was a worthwhile read that I enjoyed and recommend.

National borders too needlessly divide us.

You Do You: Figuring Out Your Body, Dating, and Sexuality by Sarah Mirk is worth noting because its approach to relationships is notable.

This book takes an excellent approach to sex and relationships, grounded in consent, openness, acceptance, and inclusion, and open consideration of values. It's a brief primer that is most valuable for its accessibility and the framework it provides for these topics.

The opening paragraph, for instance:

The first thing to know about your body is that it's yours. You get to decide what to do with your body--what it looks like, what feels good, what feels bad, and who to share it with and how. That may sound super obvious, but it's actually the basis of a big idea that's the foundation of all dating and sexuality: consent.

A few other excerpts that jumped out at me:

Let's talk about the open secret of dating: No one knows what they're doing. Everyone feels awkward. Even experienced adults are making up their approach to relationships as they go. There is no one-size-fits-all map to dating. Everyone has to draw their own map based on their ow history, values, and desires. The only tried-and-true remedy to combat awkwardness in dating is communication. You've gotta talk it out.

-----

Sexual arousal appears to turn off the critical-thinking regions in our brain that are tied to self-awareness and rational behavior. When we're lusting after someone new, we're not our smartest selves.

-----

What you feel about porn and whether you decide to consume it depends on your values. Looking at porn doesn't make you sick or an addict. But don't hold yourself or your partners to the impossible standards of fantasy. Expect and enjoy the messy, sweaty, awkward reality.

-----

The most important sign of whether you're ready to have sex is whether you and your partner can talk about sex.

It's definitely a book I would give to my children.

And I hope to sometime soon.

Finally, my favorite recent read, Travelers Along the Way: A Robin Hood Remix by Aminah Mae Safi:

Just excellent. Action, suspense, wit, an amazing setting, and great characters.

Safi reimagines the Robin Hood legend during the height of the Third Crusade in "the Holy Land, with all its names for God and all its pilgrims and all its war" with a female Muslim protagonist.

Rahma and her sister must sneak out of the coastal city of Akko (Acre), just recaptured by the Christians, because those Europeans don't recognize female soldiers as legitimate. Through the sleeping armies of Richard I of England (the Lionheart) and Yusuf ibn Ayyub, al-Nasir (Saladin) and on the road to Jerusalem. Later, skirting around a giant caravan, they see a horse being mistreated and Rahma can't stop herself from setting it free (though it chooses to stay with them). Only after that do they learn they have stolen the Queen of Jerusalem's prize horse and Rahma, with her recognizable green hood, now has a price on her head. So they go from being soldiers on the run to outlaws.

One thing leads to another, and soon Rahma and Zeena have both fallen into ever greater thefts as a means of avoiding capture and collected a group of fellow travelers, making friends of the common people along the way.

"You are a motley crew.

"You are a Muslim, as is the girl you hold back. But then you have a Christian boy with you. A Templar, by the looks of him. Then there's the fierce rider and her horse--she's from the land of the horse lords." He turns, looking to Viva last. "And I'm not sure what that girl's faith might be, but she's not from here."

"Al-andalus."

Viva is a Jew from the Iberian Peninsula, what is now Spain and Portugal, and they are sometimes joined by a childhood friend--the sisters are from the land between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers--who is now a spy from Byzantium. Just like the land they are in, they are crew of many faiths and backgrounds, drawn to the conflict, but hoping to find peace.

The heists and capers grow in scale until they end up having a secret pivotal role in the outcome of international events.

I loved the melding of adventure, history, and cultures. Most excellent.

I didn't include them in my review, but I really like these two quotes:

The problem, I'm suspecting, with being so ruthless and warlike is that you move through the world assuming everyone is as you are: a menace.

And:

The laughter of men is difficult to get used to at first.

I can never tell if the laughter is a threat or not. It rumbles through your chest like a stampede of horses, low and jolting. In the animal world, to bare your teeth is not a sign of kinship; it is a sign of war. Even having been in the company of men for the last year, I'm still not quite used to it. . . .

The laughter of men can turn to menace so quickly that even as I laugh alongside them, my own teeth are set on edge. I'm too tense to enjoy the meal before us.

Ooga-booga.