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Even now, nearly 20 years after it came out, I still find the table of contents from Lemony Snicket's first collection of pithy sayings makes an excellent list for capturing all the important themes of life.

Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

1. Home
2. Family
3. School
4. Work
5. Entertainment
6. Literature
7. Travel
8. Emotional Health
9. Affairs of the Heart
10. A Life of Mystery
11. The Mystery of Life
12. An Overall Feeling of Doom that One Cannot Ever Escape No Matter What One Does
13. Miscellaneous

And, of course, now that I've brought up the book, I can't help but mention my favorite quote from it--or, at least, the one that resonates with me most powerfully.

Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake someone else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

It comes from chapter 9, though I feel it relates strongly to chapter 12. Especially for me, as it describes well my particular feeling of doom.

Lately, I've had to fight harder than normal to hold off a general sense of doom. Lots of anxiety. Which makes my head spin with obsessive thoughts. Hard to focus and read. That kind of thing.

One of my responses to this kind of anxiety is to attempt to dispel all the thoughts from my head by writing them. At last week's teambuilding for our new groupings at work, I walked back into the room from a restroom break and found a discussion topic displayed at the front of the room: "What's the latest thing you geeked out on." I laughed, because those in that group were the recipients of my latest rabbit hole: long emails introducing myself to them.

I'll share them here in a bit, but first I want to share a different email I wrote.

At the start of this month, our eight-year-old's third grade teacher sent my wife and me an email update about how the two of them are getting along. It included:

The only challenge we are having is in some of his word choice. He has a large vocabulary which is great, but he is very excited about words like destruction, flammable, etc. We have talked about how others might perceive his use of those words and how I recognize that he has an imagination and I do not want to inhibit that. We decided that in a game situation like at recess, the words can be perceived as such, a game. However, in the classroom they are not helpful to the learning environment. I want to be clear that he is not directing these comments towards anyone, but they are represented and shared through side comments during lessons or creative outlets like writing. I just wanted to let you know so that you might be able to have a conversation about what appropriate usage of those kinds of words could look like.

We had a long talk with him and he understood.

Last week while I was at work, I received a phone call from his principal. [Younger] was in the office with him. The librarian, in her first year, who has had trouble connecting with him all year, had found him working on some writing in his iPad that she considered troublesome and had sent him to the office. [Younger] told the principal he had finished his library work and was using his extra time to delete old files that he had learned weren't appropriate. So the principal wasn't worried about it, but wanted to talk to a parent before sending him back to class.

The principal read the file to me over the phone--and said he would email a screenshot, which he has never done. [Younger] was free writing with extra time in class, and wondered in his writing if his teacher was monitoring his screen from her master console. He asks her if she's seeing it and wants him to get back on task. Says he's bored and doesn't know what to write. And, repeatedly, right from the start, he tells her, "I will eat you!" Then he shifts to saying, "Jeff will eat you!" He makes reference to "god Jeff" at least once and the Greek gods. Near the end he says he will turn Jeff inside out and then he will turn the teacher inside out and eat her.

I have to admit I was silently laughing to myself as he read this to me, because I've heard [Younger] say all of these things at home in very silly ways and knew that's how he meant it. I also saw how it could come across differently without that context, so I reassured the principal all was fine and explained how I saw it. He said that mirrored what [Younger] had said. He told me all was fine, [Younger] could go back to class, and that he would email us some dates to meet in person to discuss the matter further.

I spent the weekend reflecting on my emotions in response to this phone call and contemplating what I would say when we met. I woke on Monday with my head full of thoughts and decided to send them in an email instead of waiting for him to make contact. I included the assistant principal, the teacher, the librarian, and the school psychologist.

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[Principal],

When I spoke with you on the phone on Thursday, you indicated you were going to send [Spouse] and me a screenshot of [Younger]'s writing in iNotes on his iPad that led to your call. You also said you wanted to meet with us to discuss in person and would send us some dates you're available. Since we haven't heard from you, I'm not sure if you no longer feel the need to talk and consider the matter resolved or are still working on it. Regardless, I have a few thoughts I'd like to share now, in four parts.

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1.

[Younger] has learned that what he wrote is inappropriate and won't do it again. He knows that while his intent was innocent, it wasn't received in that way. That context matters; while he might be able to joke like that at home and similar circumstances, that it's not something to do in school or other settings. And that writing doesn't convey tone, body language, and other nuances that are apparent in person.

[Teacher] had, in fact already communicated with us about what he wrote and we had spoken with him well before the incident on Thursday. As he's explained, when [Librarian] saw him he was trying to delete the files as part of correcting his mistake.

And he's felt bad since he learned that [Teacher] was bothered by what he wrote. He's sorry and plans to apologize directly.

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2.

[Younger] wrote about "Jeff" eating [Teacher] and "turning inside out." This is Jeff:

Jeff is a dinosaur hand puppet that we bought at Science City and gave to [Younger] as a stocking stuffer at Christmas. [Younger] likes to put Jeff on his hand and have Jeff tell people, "I'm going to eat you!" in a joking and silly manner.

Often, when you try to take Jeff off of your hand, he gets turned inside out.

So we want to reassure you that when [Younger] wrote "I will eat you" and "turn you inside out," this is all he was visualizing. There was nothing literal about it, just an extension of his pretend, imaginary play. Not gory or gruesome, no human body parts or blood pictured in his head. Just silliness.

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3.

I'm curious if you find the story of The Gingerbread Man inappropriate for 3rd graders? It's a story where all the characters threaten to eat the protagonist and one succeeds in the end. How about all the threats of eating in The Three Little Pigs; not appropriate for a third grader? Little Red Riding Hood has characters eaten by a wolf who is then cut open by a wood cutter so the characters can be extracted. Yet our culture raises much younger children on these stories and many like them.

The classic picture book Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak includes the line: "Oh, please don't go. We'll eat you up, we love you so!" Almost every list of "the best/most popular books for children" places this title at or near the top.

And [Younger], in his writing, specifically made reference to the Greek gods of mythology. I'm sure your school library offers access to the Percy Jackson books by Rick Riordan and many other books that include versions of the Greek gods and their stories. These stories are replete with violence, fighting, and death, plus many fantastical elements where characters change shapes, dimensions, and characteristics--not to mention all of the strange and illicit sexual encounters.

Here are bits of a scene from a Wings of Fire book that our kids have checked out from your library: "'I'm burning out the poison,' Peril said, and she stabbed her smoldering claws straight into the center of the black starburst on Clay's leg. With a roar of crazed agony, Clay surged up as though he was trying to fly away. Tsunami, Glory, and Sunny flung themselves at him and pinned him down . . . But Clay was in too much pain to hear her. He jerked and thrashed, his howls digging into Sunny's heart like IceWing claws. She closed her eyes and burning flesh assailed her, as if she were burying her snout in the NightWing volcano. . . . Sunny shook her head and chanced a look at Clay's leg. Peril still had her talons buried in his scales, carving out everything that had been touched by the black venom. There was a scorched, gaping, bleeding hole in Clay's thigh and Sunny had to look away quickly before she threw up."

My point is not that we should find such stories inappropriate for children, but that stories with elements like [Younger] wrote are everywhere from the time they are babies. It is almost impossible to avoid encountering stories where characters at the least threaten to eat each other. It's a part of our culture and the nature of stories.

And it's okay.

Because children can tell the difference between pretend and real. They recognize those stories as imaginary and fantastical, and they know that's not how real interactions with others work. I remember when I was young it was common practice to say,"I'm going to kill you" to indicate annoyance and anger, and no one ever thought that was an actual threat to commit murder; everyone knew it was figurative. Children navigate this difference constantly. I've been a children's librarian for nearly 30 years, and everything I've experienced and read professionally on the subject indicates children are actually clearer on the distinction between pretend and real than adults, and it's adults who are most likely to blur the line between them.

At the same time, third graders are not as skilled at storytelling as adult authors. So, when they attempt to imitate the kinds of stories they consume in their own experimental writings, maybe they don't communicate their intent as skillfully as they would like.

At the very least, his reference to the Greek gods might have tipped you off that he was operating in the realm of pretend and stories.

I can't help but be reminded by this situation of something Martin Gardner wrote in his 1960 annotations for Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-glass, about the Queen of Heart's regular order: "Off with his/her/their head!"

Her constant orders for beheading are shocking to those modern critics of children's literature who feel that juvenile fiction should be free of all violence and especially violence with Freudian undertones. Even the Oz books of L. Frank Baum, so singularly free of the horrors to be found in Grimm and Andersen, contain many scenes of decapitation. As far as I know, there have been no empirical studies of how children react to such scenes and what harm if any is done to their psyche. My guess is that the normal child finds it all very amusing and is not damaged in the least, but that books like Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz should not be allowed to circulate indiscriminately among adults who are undergoing analysis.

I've read empirical studies that have been done since, and children are, in fact, unharmed by such stories.

Maybe, next time you encounter a situation like this, give a little grace to the child and seek to understand before condemning. As Ted Lasso says: be curious, not judgmental.

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4.

Finally, we really question your judgment last Thursday in your response to encountering [Younger]'s writing.

Is the proper response to disturbing writing to call over the walkie-talkies for immediate assistance, so everyone in the school, including [Younger], would hear him labelled a "dangerous student?" And then to hold him out of class for hours? Did you really see him as such a dire and imminent threat that you had to take such immediate, public, and drastic action? Did you consider how this might feel to [Younger] or been seen by his peers, that there might be a better way to handle the situation?

When I received my Education degree many years ago, we were taught the "discipline with dignity" model. I'm sure there are newer things now, but I believe the general sentiment is still applicable. If you want students to be responsive to your requests to change their behavior, your actions need to preserve their dignity.

In this instance, you had a student displaying what you considered problematic thoughts, but were his actions in that moment problematic? Did it really require assistance and intervention right then and there? Or could it have been handled in a quieter, more dignified, and less intrusive--if slightly delayed--manner.

We know [Librarian] has requested we meet to talk and we're still working on responding to that request; we've delayed for personal reasons, due to lack of time and energy resources--but also because what has so far been communicated to us about [Librarian]'s difficulties with [Younger] haven't seemed particularly urgent or significant. From what we can tell, she seems to have fixated on him and created a self-fulfilling prophecy situation. It feels to us that she's decided [Younger] is a problem and interprets everything she sees [Younger] do through that lens, as problematic.

Our concerns about your judgment are such that one of the options we've considered in response to Thursday's situation is to ask that [Younger] be excused from library time for the rest of the year. We're not sure that [Younger] interacting with [Librarian] is healthy or acceptable at this point.

We're still open to meeting to talk about the situation if you'd like to send us some times that would work for you.

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Thanks for reading.

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The principal responded by calling. We had a brief conversation and scheduled a time to sit down with him and the librarian. This probably isn't the end of the story, but I decided to go ahead and include it with this post anyway. I think it demonstrates some of the things I say in what follows.

I've made vague mention in previous posts that my library system is going through a staffing structure reorganization. The people at my level are in the midst of onboarding meetings and teambuilding. Before our meeting last week, I sent the following in an email to the large group.

The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from "I understand" to "Help me understand." Everything else follows from that. . . .

Remind yourself that if you think you already understand how someone feels or what they are trying to say, it is a delusion. Remember a time when you were sure you were right and then discovered one little fact that changed everything. There is always more to learn.

― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

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“Doesn’t matter what anyone else would call it, Len,” he says. “This is our story to tell.”

This is our story to tell. He says it in his Ten Commandments way and it hits me that way: profoundly. You’d think for all the reading I do, I would have thought about this before, but I haven’t. I’ve never once thought about the interpretative, the storytelling aspect of life, of my life. I always felt like I was in a story, yes, but not like I was the author of it, or like I had any say in its telling whatsoever.

You can tell your story any way you damn well please.

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And it’s just dawned on me that I might be the author of my own story, but so is everyone else the author of their own stories, and sometimes, like now, there’s no overlap.

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Life’s a freaking mess. In fact, I’m going to tell Sarah we need to start a new philosophical movement: messessentialism instead of existentialism: For those who revel in the essential mess that is life. Because Gram’s right, there’s not one truth ever, just a whole bunch of stories, all going on at once, in our heads, in our hearts, all getting in the way of each other. It’s all a beautiful calamitous mess.

― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere

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And, really, in a very broad sense, isn't this what we're doing when we discuss politics and religion, when we gossip and spread rumors, when we create mission and vision statements for our workplaces, when we try to figure out how to live with one another as neighbors and define ourselves as communities--aren't we really just negotiating the rules of our shared games and trying to find groups to be part of whose styles match our own?  How we define reality is up to all of us to figure out together, and it happens in the interplay between us.

― Imagination: Not Just for Kids

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Every person has a story. Every group has a story. And every place has a story.

Families, neighborhoods, communities. Cultures, nations, religions, ethnicities. Races.

Our communal stories emerge from our interactions with each other, when we try to figure out how to live with one another as neighbors and define ourselves as communities. We negotiate our group identities where our individual identities meet, clash, agree, modify, and shape one another. We become “we” in the interplay between us.

Race Project KC is where stories meet. Where high school students from around KC come together to share their stories with each other. To encounter stories of Kansas City, both historical and contemporary. And to explore stories about Race. To dwell in the space where those stories intersect: of their personal lives, the communities that compose Kansas City, and dynamics of Race. To become a new “we” in that interplay.

At Race Project KC, teens share their stories. Hear new perspectives. Listen. Learn. Grow. And emerge better equipped to shape our collective identities and improve the future of KC.

― Something I drafted recently for possible RPKC communication use

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Let’s get messy. 😊

My new manager-to-be, the leader of our new team, responded:

How do you find all of these lovely snippets? Do you keep a running log of quotes as you come across them? Either way, I’m a fan.

I sent the following to her and our team:

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😊 I do. I try to write at least a short review of everything I read in Goodreads, which also has an option to capture quotes. Here are mine.

More prominently, I also have a blog. I started it years ago, before Facebook and similar, as an early type of social media to share with friends. No one reads it anymore, but I use it as a way to keep track of things I read and watch, life moments, and interesting thoughts. You could say it’s something I do for fun, with the benefit of being a place to keep track of all the things I might want to revisit at some point.

Since I write it only for myself with no audience to consider (except me), most posts are long, in-depth, eclectic, and meandering. Still, if you want a good introduction to me—philosophically, at least, which is a pretty strong part of me--I’d encourage you to take a look. Through the Prism

One of the quotes in my original message is something I wrote in response to a couple of books, with an emphasis on children: Imagination: Not Just for Kids

I quite like this one that I wrote about storytimes, the power of reading/stories, and intellectual freedom: Room for Everyone

This one from a couple of weeks ago is centered on two adult books I read recently about immigration, relevant to my Race Project work: It’s All of Us: or, Believing Can End Suffering; It's a Kind of Love

And this one I even modified a bit and turned into a JCL Staff Picks blog post during covid: Kids Are Sources of Chaos and Disorder (with pictures of my two boys)

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The very first thing my CliftonStrengths report says about my top strength, Input:

Driven by your talents, you are quite comfortable having time to yourself to enjoy a favorite pastime: reading. Whether you are sitting on a quiet beach or in a crowded airport terminal, you create your own space with a book, magazine, newspaper, document, or correspondence. Gleaning information, inspiration, or insights from these sources can make your relaxation more pleasurable or your delays more tolerable.

Also from Input:

Chances are good that you are willing to spend time sharing your ideas with intelligent individuals. Of course, you want them to tell you their latest thinking. Conversations that involve a lot of questions and answers stimulate your mind. You know you have spent your time wisely when you have a number of new ideas, theories, or concepts to somehow file away or remember for future use.

From #2, Learner:

It’s very likely that you treasure books and other publications because they are rich sources of information. You regard the written word as a gateway to a vast world of new ideas. Your quest to interpret events, grasp facts or understand concepts appears limitless. Frequently you read to broaden your perspective on very familiar as well as altogether unfamiliar topics.

And:

Chances are good that you routinely gather historical facts or artifacts — that is, pictures, tools, books, artwork, correspondence, or documents. You often wait to determine whether this information is useful. Your interest in history probably has no purpose other than to answer your own questions. You are simply intrigued by the past and its people. The future starts to take shape in your mind as soon as you begin to rummage through your collection of historic truths and objects.

From #3, Intellection:

Chances are good that you designate a minimum of five hours a week for solitary thinking. You probably have figured out how to eliminate distractions and interruptions. You accept the fact that you have less free time to spend with family, friends, coworkers, teammates, or classmates.

And:

Because of your strengths, you characteristically read books, periodicals, documents, correspondence, or Internet sites. You are willing to be mentally stimulated by thought-provoking ideas, information, data, predictions, insights, characters, or plots.

And:

Driven by your talents, you read to stimulate your mind, to broaden your perspective, and to explore familiar as well as unfamiliar subjects. Reading is a solitary activity, which is one of the reasons why you like it so much. You are quite comfortable being alone with your books and your thoughts.

From the Input, “take action to maximize your potential” section:

Devise a system to store and easily locate information you have found so you can access it quickly. Use whatever approach works best for you — a file for articles you have saved, a database or spreadsheet, or a list of your favorite websites.

That’s what https://through-the-prism.blogspot.com/ is.

Finally, from the “watch out for blind spots” sections; Intellection:

Some people might think you create needless complexity during discussions and may want you to make decisions faster than you do. Consider tailoring your approach; sometimes it’s better to keep it simple and go more in depth later.

Learner:

You place a high value on learning and studying, and you may tend to impose this value on others. Be sure to respect others’ motivations, and resist pushing them toward learning for learning’s sake.

And Input:

You might have a tendency to give people so much information or so many resources that you can overload and overwhelm them. Before you share your discoveries with others, consider sorting out what is most meaningful so they don’t lose interest.

Welcome to my brain. 😊

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Which was a lot, I'm sure. But that's my tendency, to give people so much information and so many resources that I overload and overwhelm them.

Of course, I mentioned that the stronger the feeling of doom, the more anxiety, the louder my head gets and the more I think and write obsessively. So, naturally, I decided they needed more.

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Yesterday at our meeting I mentioned I have told [talkative, extraverted Colleague] it was time for her to stop talking to me. That didn’t happen out of the blue. One of the things I try to do with my teams is talk right up front about what our styles and needs are to explore potential conflict areas and develop sensitivities and strategies in advance for working things out amicably. So when I said that to [Colleague], it was within the context of her knowing my needs and having previously granted me permission to tell her when I needed space.

I know not everyone loves the Myers-Briggs because they feel it is too reductive or restrictive, but every time I test I get the same result and every time I read descriptions of my type I see myself reflected with scary accuracy. Even the silly ones like “Which Star Trek Character Are You?”

I am an INTJ.

Since you can find and read the standard descriptions pretty easily, I won’t bore you with those. Instead, here are some things about the INTJ type that I try to tamp down and make people aware of in case I fail.

INTJs are often called the “Mastermind” type.

Lists of famous INTJs always seem to have a high predominance of people not, uh, known for their kindness, people like:

• Ayn Rand
• Friedrich Nietzsche
• Mark Zuckerberg
• Elon Musk
• Bobby Fischer
• Vladimir Lenin
• Ted Kaczynski
• Augustus Caesar
• Sun Tzu
• Jack the Ripper
• Lance Armstrong
• Bruce Wayne/Batman
• Sherlock Holmes
• Severus Snape
• Walter White
• Dexter
• Dr. Gregory House
• Professor Moriarty
• Viktor von Frankenstein
• Hannibal Lecter
• Sheev (Emperor) Palpatine
• Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto
• Thanos
• Tywin Lannister

Though, of course, there are also plenty of people like:

• Ruth Bader Ginsburg
• Isaac Asimov
• Dwight Eisenhower
• Stephen Hawking
• Isaac Newton
• Charles Darwin
• Ludwig van Beethoven
• Jodie Foster
• Katniss Everdeen

What Each Myers-Briggs Type Does At A Party

INTJ – Takes scheduled hydration breaks in an attempt to reduce the impact of their inevitable morning-after hangover.

The Definition Of Hell For Each Myers-Briggs Personality Type

INTJ – Every time you open your mouth to say something intelligent, something entirely idiotic comes out instead.

How Each Myers-Briggs Type Reacts to Stress (and How to Help!)

INTJ – The Mastermind

What stresses out an INTJ:

–       Being in an environment that doesn’t appreciate their skills, visions, or ideas.

–       Not enough alone time. Too much extraverting.

–       Too much noise or sensory input.

–       Working with those they see as lazy, incompetent, or ignorant.

–       Having to pay attention to too many details at once.

–       Being in unfamiliar environments.

–       Having their well-settled plans disrupted.

–       Too much focus on the here-and-now.

–       Not being able to use their intuition to envision the future.

When in a state of stress, the INTJ can feel an immense amount of pressure – as if everything is on the line. To an INTJ, this often means the ability to produce something significant is somehow stifled. They may find themselves overwhelmed, and thinking about ideas and options that don’t have a productive end. As stress increases, the INTJ can become argumentative and disagreeable. Social interaction becomes increasingly difficult; and they may become preoccupied with obsessive ideas and plans. They may start to spend a massive amount of time fighting horrible thoughts, and feelings of worthlessness. They will ruminate about their mistakes, inadequacies and weaknesses, and stop progress on a project for fear of failure. In a case of chronic stress, the INTJ may fall into the grip of their inferior function; extraverted sensing. When this happens, they may give into self-destructive indulgences, like over-eating, over-exercising, alcoholism, or buying lots of useless items. They may obsessively clean or re-organize files.

How to help an INTJ experiencing stress:

–       Give them space, and time alone to process their thoughts and feelings.

–       Reduce sensory stimulation like noise, TV, radio, or bright lights.

–       Let them express their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Understand that they may be irrational.

–       Don’t give them advice. This will only make them feel worse.

–       Give them a break from responsibilities.

–       Encourage them to get enough sleep at night.

–       Help them lighten their schedule, or cancel unnecessary activities.

–       After some time of solitude, encourage them to get a change of scenery by going outdoors.

This one is really aggressive and defiantly proud; and it’s scary just how much I can identify with every single thing it says, even though I try not to. It’s a really good way to get insight into the parts of myself I try not to let out of my head. I almost put it first because I feel it can be especially useful at certain times.

The Compleat Idiot’s Guide to the INTJ

Samples:

Conversing with an INTJ

Do’s and Don’ts (mostly Don’t’s):

DON’T engage us in “small talk”. Keep in mind that you are competing for our attention with all the voices in our heads, and they are bound to be far more interesting than you. The voices are constantly regaling us with things like anagrams of Wayne Newton (Wanton Weeny, We Annoy Newt, New Yawn Tone, …) and candidate titles for parodies of “Carry On My Wayward Son” (“Cary Grant Was Six Foot One”, “Curry On My Egg Foo Yung”, …). Do you really think your talk of the weather or your six year old’s soccer league is going to be more compelling than that? Please. Be realistic.

DON’T look at an INTJ in bewilderment when he/she discloses an idea to you. Yes, it may have required a double somersault of imagination to reach their conclusion. Ask them to take you through it step-by-step; they will happily oblige. Ideas are of ultimate importance to an INTJ, and it is a compliment for them to share their ideas with you. Similarly, failing to give due attention to an INTJ’s idea is a high form of insult.

Finally, to end on a different note, you might be picking up that people skills are not a natural area of strength for me. I figured this out a long time ago and have worked most of my life to be better at it. (I find “psychology” books a much better help in learning how to manage and lead people than “business” books; see here for examples.) So one of the most meaningful compliments I’ve received in recent memory is this one from [Other Colleague] after she retired:

“The guidance in dealing with people is what I treasure most.”

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This one actually got responses and spurred a bit of email conversation as others offered their MBTI types and we compared.

Our manager-to-be suggested we each pick a vinyl sticker from Etsy she could put on the notebook she is using for her teambuilding notes so it could better reflect all of our personalities. Others responded with not only their picks, but also the reasons for their picks. That prompted me to compose the following:

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Let’s go with this whimsical elephant on a bike: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1406340545/elephant-sticker-elephant-vinyl-sticker*

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A while back, I asked my Facebook friends what animal they saw me as, and I fell in love with one of the responses:

African Elephant. You are strong and gentle and you have an incredible memory. You are an excellent parent and you are loyal. You go about your business until you are called on to raise your head and your great big tusks and demand they take heed. And it's usually in the defense of others.

I liked it so much, I found this figurine and painted it. This is not one of my D&D characters, this is me:

I wasn't familiar with them until I happened upon the miniature, but these creatures are from the D&D supplement Guildmasters' of Ravnica setting. Loxodon. Descriptions from the book that also resonate (aspirationally, at least):

The humanoid elephants called loxodons are often oases of calm in the busy streets of Ravnica. They hum or chant in sonorous tones and move slowly or sit in perfect stillness. If provoked to action, loxodons are true terrors--bellowing with rage, trumpeting and flapping their ears. Their serene wisdom, fierce loyalty, and unwavering conviction are tremendous assets to their guilds. . . .

Loxodons believe in the value of community and life . . .

Loxodons believe that the members of a group have a responsibility to look out for each other. Once they have joined a guild or bonded with other individuals in any capacity, loxodons devote themselves to maintaining that bond. They coordinate their efforts and are often willing to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the group. They expect reciprocal loyalty and commitment from the other members of their communities and can be severe in their disappointment when their trust is betrayed.

The primary difference between loxodons who join different guilds is their sense of the size of the community they belong to. For loxodons in the Selesnya Conclave, their community is the world and all living beings in it--everything valuable, meant to live in harmony, and interdependent. [THIS IS ME**]

Although often I feel this one is more accurate:

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*I grew up on my bike in small-town Kansas, riding everywhere. In a previous phase of my adult life, before kids, I enjoyed competing in triathlons.

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**My CilftonStrengths Numbers 4 & 5:

• Connectedness - You have faith in the links among all things.
• Individualization - You are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. You have a gift for figuring out how different people can work together productively.
• CONNECTEDNESS + INDIVIDUALIZATION - You can see the whole forest of global humanity, but you can also identify the unique tree that is an individual person.

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***Bonus little-known fact about [Degolar] (speaking of forests): I love learning so much about everything that I had a heck of a time deciding on a college major. When I finally did get around to a (temporary) decision after three years of school, I chose to major in Wildlife Biology with the intent of pursuing a career as a forest ranger.

(I finally realized I needed to major in English because more than anything I wanted to spend my life better understand the human condition by immersing myself in all of our collective stories and sharing that pursuit with others.)

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That got me thinking about other "little-known facts" about me, and the next morning this all came tumbling out:

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Random Autobiographical Facts

I seem to be on a roll with the whole “getting to know me thoughts,” and once my head gets full of thoughts I can’t focus on other things until I dispel those thoughts by writing and sharing them. So I’m mostly doing this for me, but here they are, reading optional. Some of my life’s major influences on who I am today.

Mennonite Background

Both my parents’ families called Hesston, Kansas home and I lived there during my formative years. It is a predominantly (mainline) Mennonite Community. Though I haven’t remained connected to that church as an adult, it’s a core part of my identity. Key values that stand out to me:

• Humility – Don’t put yourself before community. Don’t draw attention to yourself. I was told my dad got my mom a practical silverware set as an engagement present since rings were frowned upon. I’ve heard my cousins talking about how calling someone “common” was a compliment in the old communities.
• Pacifism – We don’t do harm to others and we don’t support wars. I remember being told stories of Mennonites in Kansas who were tarred and feathered for not supporting WWI. My dad was a conscientious objector when drafted for Vietnam.
• Separation of Church and State – Nationalism is a type of idolatry, worshipping nation instead of God. No national anthems at our sporting events.
• Social Justice – A strong commitment to helping others, especially internationally. Bringing others into the church doesn’t happen through words (evangelism), but by service, by demonstrating God’s love in action through helping those in need.

So if I seem suspicious of attention (and attention-seekers) and power structures, it’s because those values are so deeply engrained in me.

My dad was one of four children, my mom one of seven, and I grew up with regular family gatherings with lots of cousins all around. Though my family, both immediate and extended, came from farm country (Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania before Kansas), we tended more to be the teachers of the farmers. Some examples:

• My parents were both teachers. My mom’s mom was a teacher. Two of my mom’s brothers and one of my dad’s were college professors.
• My dad spent eleven of his formative years (ages 3-14) in Argentina while his dad, a pastor and professor, started a Mennonite seminary.
• One of my paternal cousins spent his adult life working for public health organizations in Africa as an epidemiologist.
• One of my mom’s brothers alternated between living abroad (with his family) in places like Jerusalem, Cairo, and Tokyo and being the director of international students at Hesston College. One of his sons (the cousin I was always closest to), is now a professor at a Mennonite College in Canada, teaching Reformation era European history. Another lives in England, practicing international law, and has helped with efforts to rebuild the Kurdish areas of norther Iraq.

Raised on Sports

My dad was a coach and PE teacher. I was born in Harrisonburg, VA, where he was the entire athletic department for Eastern Mennonite High School. He took a job with Hesston College when I was seven. I grew up at sporting events, gyms, and locker rooms. For those first seven years in VA, my parents directed a church summer camp, so I spent each of those summers living in a cabin, hiking and exploring the woods; with pool time every afternoon, I could swim before I could walk and was going off the high dive at 18 months. I did sports through high school, took a break for junior college, then walked onto the cross country team at Emporia State, where I ended up as co-captain in my third year.

First Marriage

At Emporia State I met and married a Hmong refugee from Kansas City, KS whose family fled Laos after the Vietnam War. Her dad was an officer in the secret Hmong military that fought for the U.S. We had a bilingual wedding in KCK with pastors from both our churches and were married for 15 years. She is a teacher.

Seminary

Between Emporia State and my library career, I went to seminary (95-98). Three years at Saint Paul School of Theology (when it was in KCMO) getting a Master of Divinity degree (90 graduate hours). In addition to classes in theology and history, we studied church leadership, Christian education, preaching, and more. The bible classes were taught through a liberation theology lens. My favorite classes—and all of my electives—were in social theory and social ethics. My favorite professors (who often team-taught) were:

• Tex Sample – a storyteller from Mississippi. His books include Blue Collar Ministry, Hard Living People & Mainstream Christians, The Loyal Opposition: Struggling with the Church on Homosexuality, Earthy Mysticism: Spirituality for Unspiritual People, and Working Class Rage: A Field Guide to White Anger and Pain. I had him near the end of his teaching career; and
• Emilie Townes – a leader in the development of Womanist Ethics. Womanism describes the intersection of racism and sexism that women of color experience. Her books include Womanist Justice, Womanist Hope, Breaking the Fine Rain of Death: African American Health Care and a Womanist Ethic of Care, and Womanist Ethics and the Cultural Production of Evil. I had her near the beginning of her teaching career. She has moved on to bigger things since, including being the first African-American woman to be elected president of the American Academy of Religion and serving as the president of the Society for the Study of Black Religion.

Current Family

[Spouse] and I were married at the beginning of 2012, a second marriage for both of us. We bought a house near downtown OP (close to CE) and have two boys: [Older], age 10, and [Younger], 8. They are brilliant and imaginative and wild. [Older] takes after his parents, his brain hungry for learning, pedantic, and absent-minded. After years of wondering if it was too early, we got him into our school district’s gifted program this year. [Younger] is more outgoing and social than the rest of us and some of his favorite shows include This Old House, Nova, and MythBusters. A recent note from his teacher praised his advanced vocabulary and linguistic skills, but asked us to help steer him away from such prominent use of words like “destruction” and “flammable.” Both boys have ADHD and strong personalities. They are never still or quiet.

[Spouse] is smarter than I am, grew up in the advanced programs at her schools, and would have been a doctor if dramatic life events hadn’t derailed her college years. She worked as a phlebotomist for years until 2021, when she took what was meant to be a temporary leave to help [Younger] work through defiance issues that were causing problems at (pre)school. Then we got Covid, which led to her current life with long-Covid. She’s never fully recovered from the brain fog and fatigue that keep her from being fully functional. She’s been substitute teaching 1-2 days a week this year, but that takes all of her resources and energy. Covid also triggered some latent issues like an auto-immune disorder and ADHD that she’d always been able to compensate for before. I do a larger than normal share of the parenting and housework.

Also living with us, in our basement, is good friend and unofficial uncle to the boys [Uncle]. He and [Spouse] dated in college and have been best friends since. I met [Uncle] 20 years ago when we both worked at the library, and he’s the person who introduced [Spouse] and me to each other. He now works as a lawyer for the Social Security Administration, writing judgments for disability applications. [Uncle] also has ADHD.

[Spouse] and I had three rescue dogs when we got together who have since aged out of life. We now have three cats in our house.

So even though I love reading and quiet contemplation and calm, organized environments, my house is a loud, chaotic mess at all times. When I arrive around 8:15-30ish each morning and sit down at a desk to breath for a few moments, it’s because I’ve been scrambling since 6:00 to get the boys up, ready, and out of the house for school and it’s my first chance to relax all day.

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Much of that has previously appeared on this blog in various forms, but since I had all of this sitting in my email sent folder, I thought I'd preserve it her to add to my growing knowledge collection.

Of course, the discussion topic I've offered recently that has received the most responses, both on Facebook and at work, is:

True or false: the purpose of cake is to deliver icing?

If you want guaranteed responses, make it about food.

One Facebook commenter even wrote: "This is pretty much the most controversial thing I've ever read in my life."

Well, that, and the Oxford comma.