Rex Libris Quotes, Chapter 1

Welcome, adventurous reader, to the first issue of Rex Libris, Public Librarian. Here you will find, for the first time in print ever, the tumultuous tales of the Public Library System and its unending battle against the forces of evil. This struggle is not just confined to our terrestrial sphere but extends out into the farthest reaches of the cosmos . . . and beyond! The Librarian has faced patrons so terrible, so horrific, that they cannot be described here without the risk of driving readers mad. But enough prattle and preamble! Settle back with a cup of coffee and a donut (or other pastry if you prefer), and prepare to enter the secret world of . . . Rex Libris: "I, Librarian."

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'Dese books are for the enlightenment of everyone! Knowledge is not to be monopolized by tin-topped demons! It must be made available for all people!

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These bookshelves are like a labyrinth! An evil, inescapable maze of massed information!

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Your time is up, you fiendish, barnacle-brained, arch-malignant monster of maliciousness! Now get the hell out of my library!

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Just because I'm a librarian doesn't mean I'm at all tame.

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The kids we get in here? They just run around here like crazy and cause all kinds of mayhem. Make my job harder than that samurai demon, because I can't just go and shoot the kids, ya know? Parents get upset.

Not that I'm sayin' I know what that's like or anything. I mean hypothetically.

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I have the most formidable weapon of all--knowledge. . . . My arsenal of knowledge includes rocket launchers, tracking devices, electro-magnetic field generators, freeze rays, and the usual assortment of automatic weaponry you'd expect in your typical library.