Way Too Much Rex Libris

Each chapter the publisher shows up trying to get Rex to spice up his story for the sake of sales. After learning about Rex's megalomaniacal talking bird sidekick, Barry wants to give the bird a gun. Absolutely not, says Rex.

I see. Hmm. The we'll have to give him big boobs.

But . . . He's a guy, Barry.

It doesn't matter! That's the great thing about boobs! Guys don't look past them. And they sell . . . do you know what the most importand thing in comics and film is, Rex? Do you?

Uh . . . Plot? Characterization?

No! Boobs! And, by god, the bigger, the better!

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And it's got smoke dispensers.

What?

Smoke dispensers. The [circulation] desk. At the base of the panels.

Uh . . . Why?

In case the patrons get rowdy. Give us a screen. Buy us enough time to reach the tasers.

Oooh-kaaay . . .

You can never tell when dealin' with the public. Very unpredictable, ya know?

True.

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Egads! Pecan butter tarts! And piping hot fresh coffee!

They're good.

That fiend knows my every weakness! Damn you, Yeti! Why do you torment me so? These butter tarts brim with the very calories of evil! Inexorably drawing me in to a carbohydrate-fueled hell of high caloric sin!

You don't have to eat them you know.

Oh, that's right. (Munch munch!) Take the butter tarts' side, why don'tcha?

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You're confusing cause with effect. Politicians are like salesmen because that's what works. The cause is human nature, not the nature of politicians. Politicians would be less annoying if people were, ya know?

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So how are you going to convince this fella to return the book, anyway?

I got it all worked out. First I'm gonna go with reverse psychology. Convince him of the error of his ways, appeal to his better nature, all that sorta thing.

And if that doesn't work, I'm gonna beat the crap outta him.

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Dammit, Barry! Ya can't go and put Space Amazons on Benzine V! They'd freeze! . . . They only inhabit temperate to tropical climate zones due to their deadly allergic reaction to copious amounts of clothing! Every xenobiologist knows that!

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Barry's Brain: intro to chapter 5:

The ancient Spartans used to flog children for each use of an unnecessary word. Obviously, everyone her at Hermeneutic Press would be beaten to death if we were to live under their rigid rule. No matter! We'll leave that particular scenario to the fantasies of our detractors. Sparta was a proto-totalitarian hell hole anyway (Damn good enemies to be known by; Hermeneutic Press is proud to be at odds with their dead civilization). Let the words and the information flow freely, I say! Let prolixity run amok, rampage down the streets, and wax eloquent! Let the river of verbal diarrhea flow like the mighty Yangtze! Let it overflow the banks and spread out unto the floodplains! In this way we shall fertilize the world of comics and give rise to a new creative golden age of innovation, verbal inebriation, and turgidity! No other brand is so fearless in the face of huge hordes of words. Dictionaries brim with them, an almost endless stream of named memes which threaten to drown us in their great numbers. We shall co-opt them in the name of the comic book medium, like no other before us, and harness their eco-friendly powers for the good of all humanity! Remember, if anyone can bring hyperbole into reality, we're the ones to do it. It will be just one more great triumph for the pioneering medium of Visicomboics! Why do we do all this silliness? This insouciant madness? Why, to have fun, by God!

We have already taken steps in this direction with the employment of the greatly under-used word floccinaucinihilipilification in issue four. We have every reason to believe that this is the first time in the history of comics that the floccinaucinihilipilification has ever been employed. And who brought it to you first? Hermenuetic Press! Not only that, we have now included this fabulous word in our introduction twice, increasing it's exposure by 200%! This is just the beginning. With a little effort, it is conceivable that we could replace every commonly used word in this comic with a more obscure equivalent. We could resuscitate such words as arenaceous, fissiparous, barbate, duopilomundopothic, and tramontane. The elites will have no choice but to notice comics by the time we are done!

The say brevity is the soul of wit. Make no mistake: here at Hermeneutic we are doing dirty things to wit's soul. And as everyone knows, dirt sells!