People: Can't Live With Them, Can't Live Without Them

Sometimes I spend all day fondly thinking about my kids and missing them, then get home from work to see them and ask myself, "Why?" What did I think I was missing, because I'm not actually enjoying the reality of their company. Once I'm with them, I'd rather be alone.

(Only some days, thankfully; the vast minority of them.)

It's not just my kids; they're merely the most extreme example. I often have the same reaction to the company of others in general. I like the idea of people. I like the idea of spending time with them. But make that idea a reality, and I find myself questioning the whole proposition.

Nevertheless, in spite of my extreme introversion* and misanthropic tendencies, I know that life is about relationships. Meaning and happiness--and knowledge of the divine--come from being in relationship with others; "others" meaning not just humans, but animals and nature and all of creation. That belief was at the heart of my theological credo I wrote twenty plus years ago, and all the research I've seen since verifies it's a social and scientific truth.

I love my library job for the amount of time it allows me to be in my head, interacting with books and writing reviews and such, but I treasure the customer service duties and wouldn't ever want to have a job spent entirely in an office. Despite my love of having time to be alone, perhaps my greatest fear is ending up alone without family, friends, or loved ones as a part of my life. My family is my greatest source of joy.

It's one of the central paradoxes of life. Connection is a burden; connection is everything. We are inherently social beings at the same time that we are inherently egocentric and seem awful at getting along with one another as often as not. I yearn for others; I'd rather avoid them.

Nothing's ever simple.

*Introversion and extroversion, remember, are about energy. An introvert's energy is drained by interacting with others and recharged by time with self. Extroverts are the opposite.

Everyone Is Miserable: Here’s What We Can Do About It

The unhappiness plague is larger than the actual medicated population. When you consider a wider group of unhappy people–those who don’t rate as depressed, but are nonetheless sad and miserable–we’re probably talking about many, many millions around the world. . . .

What causes these conditions most of all is a lack of what we need to be happy, including the need to belong in a group, the need to be valued by other people, the need to feel like we’re good at something, and the need to feel like our future is secure. . . .

Hari gives some suggestions for how we can all be less unhappy–what he calls “reconnections” with the things we need. He came to realize we need to think less about ourselves and more about others. We need to ditch spending so much time alone with ourselves; it’s more natural to be in the flow of other people. “Nature is connection,” leading expert on loneliness John Cacioppo tells Hari.

And Hari learns that it’s better to lose oneself in the crowd. “The real path to happiness, [the researchers] were telling me, comes from dismantling our ego walls–from letting yourself flow into other people’s stories and letting their stories flow into yours; from pooling your identity, from realizing that you were never you–alone, heroic, sad–all along,” Hari writes. Now, when he feels depressed, Hari doesn’t do something for himself, like buying a new shirt, or renting a favorite movie. He tries to do something for someone. He feels better for it.

"Meaningful values" are another source of improved contentment. To be happy, we should avoid materialist values and the mental pollution that is advertising. . . .

Hari suggests that we live by our intrinsic values as opposed to extrinsic values. . . .

Hari also lays out some compelling research about the importance of nature.

The Four Things That Make Practically Everyone Feel Loved, According to a New Survey

There was strong consensus around the following four scenarios:

- When someone shows compassion toward them in difficult times

- When a child snuggles up to them

- When their pets are happy to see them

- When someone tells them "I love you"

Sometimes naivety is a choice.

The Smart Move: We Learn More by Trusting Than by Not Trusting

When you trust someone, you end up figuring out whether your trust was justified or not. An acquaintance asks if he can crash at your place for a few days. If you accept, you will find out whether or not he’s a good guest. A colleague advises you to adopt a new software application. If you follow her advice, you will find out whether the new software works better than the one you were used to.

By contrast, when you don’t trust someone, more often than not you never find out whether you should have trusted them. If you don’t invite your acquaintance over, you won’t know whether he would have made a good guest or not. If you don’t follow your colleague’s advice, you won’t know if the new software application is in fact superior, and thus whether your colleague gives good advice in this domain.

This informational asymmetry means that we learn more by trusting than by not trusting. Moreover, when we trust, we learn not only about specific individuals, we learn more generally about the type of situations in which we should or shouldn’t trust. We get better at trusting.

7 Psychological Superpowers Few People Have (That You Can Use to Set Yourself Apart)

Hide Your Intelligence - If you had social intelligence, you’d know that letting other people take the spotlight makes them feel important. And they’d connect that feeling of importance with being around you.

Resist Group Think - Be able to say that you’ve put thought into which components of group narratives you decided to adopt. And then, stay out of the herd altogether.

Stop Caring What People Think About You - Human beings are the only known species arrogant enough to place themselves at the center of the universe. I do it. You do it. The less it’s done, though, the freer you are.

Stop Placing Blame Altogether - There are times where the blame should be placed somewhere other than on yourself, but it’s often fruitless.

Stop “Waiting to Talk” - If you let other people talk, listen to them, and give up your need to jump into the conversation right away.

Stop Letting Your Desires Pull You in Every Direction - Every time I do something I don’t really want to do because I think it will help me get something I desire, I feel bad, misaligned, incongruent.

Stop Taking Everything So Seriously - Get out of the outrage, ‘if it bleeds it leads’, machine right now. It’s not worth your sanity.